March 2013

I wrote this a while ago in the hopes that I could post it soon. And now, here we are. I can't believe it. I keep waffling between cautiously optimistic and scared. What if it works? Do I have it in me to do this? How will the finances work? How will Little K adjust? How will R and I adjust? What if it works and SSA moves back in? Can we do three kids in the house full time? And what about my biopsy results? How does that effect TTC?

I just don't know. But, just as you will read in the verses below, I know that God is in control. It took His miraculous work to bring R and I into agreement about TTC. He knows whether or not we will conceive. He knows how to bring our new normal together if it works. And He is good. He is always, always good. Thank you, Lord, for Your constant, unchanging love and goodness.

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Fifty-one months after R and got married. The month that I turn 32. The same month when Little K was conceived eight years ago. We are finally going to try.

I am so freaking excited!

January and February will be spent setting aside the funds to order the samples. I will be enhancing my chart with OKPs so we can pinpoint when ovulation usually takes place in correspondence with CM, etc. If Fertility.Friend is to be believed, I will most likely be ovulating the first weekend of March.

I don’t usually observe Lent in any formal way. But with Ash Wednesday falling the same week as CD1 and Easter right there at the end, I can’t think of anything better than spending the Lenten Season in reflection and prayer. (It would also include the traditional forgoing of something you enjoy; in my case, alcohol.) More than anything else, spending this cycle in prayer and in scripture will help to give me peace about the outcome.

Whatever that ends up being.

I know the chance of success is slim. I want to be wrapped in The Word before test day, full of the knowledge that God is in control. His plan is perfect. He is my enough. My strength. My peace. My amen.

That, no matter the outcome, God is good.

Lord, you are good. You have always been and will always be good. Thank you for bringing us into agreement and for the chance to pursue a pregnancy. Heal and bless my body. Help me to ovulate, help us to read the fertility signs so we can time everything well. Protect the shipping vessel and protect our time. Keep my body healthy. Help us to trust You with every step. Help us trust Your plan for our family, whether it includes a pregnancy or not. Lord, You are good. Amen.

Please, oh please, oh please.