Where am I?

Before we get to today's post, my mother in law fell and broke her hip yesterday. She is having surgery today. Prayers are appreciated!

***

Man, it’s the end of NaBloPoMo. Honestly? I’m relieved. Posting every day is hard work! I feel like I gained quantity but lost quality this month. I don’t think anyone appreciates reading daily brain dumps.

Tomorrow is December 1^st. R and I said that we’d make a decision by the first of the year about expanding our family. I’ve been good to my word and haven’t brought up the elephant lately, so I’m not sure where his head is at this point.

I know that the SSA thing has made it difficult (or, you know, impossible) to think positively about having another child. The first of the year will be immediately after SSA has been with us for a week and then left again, and R will have had a very hard talk with him right after Christmas about SSA's future living arrangements. I doubt he will be in a place to consider more.

Should we leave it for a few more months, give R some time to recover? The next set of dates that comes to mind is our birthdays in the Spring, but that will be right when SSA comes for Spring Break (and then leaves again). More drama, recurrence of depression, reboot the grief cycle… Summer? The same thing. And then all of a sudden we’re back to Fall/Winter and a year has passed. Little K will be a year older, I’ll be turning 33, and R will be turning 49.

R made a great point a few weeks ago that it would be so much easier without the vasectomy. He is great at playing the hand he is dealt! He’s done the “Opps!” thing twice, made the appropriate changes in his lifestyle, and has come out the other side in one piece. With the vasectomy, there’s no “Opps!” option. When you hold the sample in your hand, you better KNOW that you’re ready to see this through to the end.

My heart and body want another child. Little K is an amazing big sister to her step-sister in FL and wants a sibling of her own up here. We have an open bedroom for a nursery. I have some top of the line gear in the attic. My clinic has already signed the papers for the sperm bank. We even picked out a donor together!

I still don’t know how this will all turn out. R asked The Lord for a sign and, from what he told me, was given one. It wasn’t enough. How can it not be enough? If you can see it, hear it, feel like you can reach out and touch it… Life is there, waiting for you! All you have to do is take it!

Most likely, it will be no. And I’ll start the long process of letting go.

No matter what, God is good. Life is good. R and I fall more in love each day. Little K continues to bring joy into our lives. Our family is blessed just as we are.

Tenth Ave North: Let it Go