Coming 'Round Again

You’ve already made up your mind, so what are you waiting for? Get out there and vote!

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Today, I am thankful for a place where I can sort out my thoughts: this blog. I hope that writing all of this down gets it out of my head and allows me to let it go, accepting that the result is in God’s hands.

I had a light cocktail to help me sleep last night and, unfortunately, my evening tv show had a vasectomy plot. *headdesk* I, of course, grumbled through the commercials. Not surprisingly, I had some fertile CM this morning. Here comes the crazy…

In response to Keiko’s request for birth stories, I spent yesterday recounting the birth of Little K. Man, nothing makes me want another child like thinking about that day. I’m looking forward to putting the post up later in the week.

I’m trying to not feel too desperate as I realize that I’m turning 32 in five months and R is turning 48 in five months + one week. Time is slipping away. There’s always the nagging thought of getting older and now is better than a year from now…

I’m sitting here with a bit of a bummer hanging over my head. I know that there is only a 1% chance that we’ll decide to pursue the elephant in January. With finances continuing to be tight and me working outside the home, it just wouldn’t be smart. Plus R is still set against the whole idea. I know it would be fun, though, and wish we could have the opportunity to just try it on for a while and decide if we could do it.

It doesn’t work that way, of course. There’s no “oops!” or “let’s see how we feel in a few days” with a baby. And certainly not with home insemination. When you are holding the sample in your hand, you better know that you’re willing to see it through to the end.

I am also afraid that failing to put a baby in the guest room will encourage SSA to move back in. It is nothing against SSA: he is a good kid! He makes good grades, he generally obeys, he is not rude or vulgar. I just believe deep down inside that allowing him to move back in with us is not what is best for him.

At age thirteen, almost fourteen, SSA has not turned the corner from child into young man. He needs boundaries and consequences. I believe that this situation can be a turning point for him, the opportunity for tremendous growth and maturing. I want so badly for him to become a strong young man who understands the consequences of his actions, who has the sense to think before he acts, who works hard for what he wants, and has the endurance to see a hard situation through to the end.

Up until now, SSA has been treated with kid gloves. He has not experienced consequences or had boundaries enforced. As a result, he has remained a child with all of the attributes of a child. It’s understandable in the single-digit years but for a teenager? Not so much. In my opinion, the time for gentle correction has passed. If a hard line is drawn now, he will be forced to grow. I know that it will initially be painful -for SSA and for R- but as I look a few years down the road, I see what an amazing young man he can become. If he stays as he is now, that vision is very different and not at all a pretty sight.

I am excited to see the young man SSA could be. I hope it comes to fruition. For his sake, as well as ours.