Following up from yesterday’s post.
Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) continues to be very important to me. Last night’s lecture hit some specific questions that I have been struggling with when it comes to the size of our family.
We were studying Genesis 10-11 last week, which tells the story of the Tower of Babel. Brief synopsis: After the flood, God reiterated His command to Noah and his sons to “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 9:1). Instead, united in one language, the nations gathered in Babel to built a city/tower specifically so that they would not be scattered across the whole earth (Genesis 11:4). So, God frustrated their plans by confusing their languages, causing them to give up building the tower and “from there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth” (Genesis 11:9).
Okay, everyone on the same page?
During last night’s lecture, the leader made the following statements/personal questions:
· The people were rebelling against God’s clear command.
· Sin is refusal to obey God-given directions.
· What are you pursuing? Whose plans are you pursuing, yours or God’s? Are you working for yourself or for God?
· How are you knowingly or un-knowingly resisting God’s plans?
· What barriers has God put in your plans?
I immediately began thinking about the elephant. Before, when discussing the size of our family, it was clear that God was saying No. Now, I’m not so sure. I can’t discern whether He is saying No or Wait.
Of course, my kneejerk reaction is to say that I'm pursuing my own plans by wanting another child. And then immediately follow with the fact that God gave me the desire to parent and nurture another child, so it can't be sin to want another child. But the barrier in that plan is both the vasectomy and R's lack of desire to expand our family. But wasn't it us who put the vasectomy barrier in place, not God? So where did the resistence originate: with us by getting the vasectomy or with God? Is the resistence with me, because I don't want to accept God's plan for our family, or with R, originating from the hurt experienced from the custody arrangement from his divorce? If it is from the custody arrangement, then the resistence (although self inflicted) really originates with the Enemy, right? In which case, shouldn't we fight against it and allow God's will to prevail by expanding our family? But we can't agree on the size of our family and God does not desire conflict in our marriage, only unity...
*headdesk* Welcome to my merry-go-round of crazy.
It becomes especially hard when the strongest desire for another child comes when I’m studying the Bible with Little K or sitting in church with R. I find an incredible fullness and over-flowing love for my family as we study God’s word together and an overwhelming desire for another child to share this with. And a physical pain when I see the young children sitting in church on Sunday mornings with their parents. (Example: the 18-month old who came into church held by her daddy this past Sunday. She spent the entire music time with her head laid across his shoulder, whole-hand waving to R [who, of course, spent the entire time waving back. Swoon.] and then napped on her daddy’s lap during the sermon.)
I know that I won’t disrespect R or God by moving forward with treatment of any kind without R’s consent. I know that I can’t control R’s decision on this and am prepared for us to stay a family of three. But I’ve also seen God work miracles in our life before and am praying that He will do so again.
For now, I’m living on Wait, hoping it doesn’t become No, and understanding that it is ultimately in His hands.