Maybe?

Hail Mary (def): A very long forward pass made in desperation with only a small chance of success.

Now, I’m not a sports girl but even I know that a Hail Mary takes place in the last moments of the game, when your team is behind and given up hope. When you make that final play and pray for a miracle.

It looks like we might do it. It certainly isn’t a sure thing and R and I haven’t come to a full agreement on whether or not to try. But! We’ve begun outlining the terms of agreement.

def. A play with a low percentage chance of completion.

Just one cycle. We have agreed that, should we move forward, we would complete only a single cycle and call it done, whatever the outcome. This is a huge part of why we are even continuing to talk about the possibility of trying. Let me see if I can explain…

R isn’t comfortable straight committing to TTC because, in his mind, that means cycling until we get that BFP. Pursuing a pregnancy at that level just isn’t something he can do. I’m not comfortable NOT trying. I’m afraid of looking back five or ten years down the road, without another child and too old to do anything about it, and saying “We didn’t even try.” Regret tends to follow me and, while most of my regrets are frivolous, I can’t stand the thought of regretting something so BIG.

def. Any last-ditch effort with little chance of success.

So, we’re talking about trying. Once. And leaving it in God’s hands. We’ve seen the odds for at-home insemination. They aren’t great. In fact, when purchasing samples from our bank, they recommend that you be prepared for four cycles. We are (and aren’t) prepared for that. We are prepared for failure; we aren’t prepared to cycle again.

def. Often called a “Hail Mary” after the fact, once the play is successful.

We are also prepared for success. Well, I’m prepared and R is getting there. (We joked last night about testing with two bottles on the counter and a single glass of ice. However it turns out, one of us would need a stiff drink. Heh.) We both know that R can’t go into it hoping for failure and I can’t go into it convinced of success. Which is another reason why this is still in discussion instead of signed and sealed.

In BSF this past week, we touched on putting on the full armor of God. Asked to explain the full armor in our own words, I pulled out my dictionary to lend a hand. In studying, my heart was drawn to this verse:

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Ephesians 6:16

Extinguish is an interesting word. Obviously it means to put out, as to a flame, or to put an end to, to wipe out of existence. But, a lesser known definition is: To obscure or eclipse, as by superior brilliance.

This definition is so much of what has been on my heart the past few months, especially when it comes to TTC. That, no matter what, God is good. No matter where family building takes us, God is good. No matter whether our family is expanded or not, God is good.

To take up the shield of faith. To commit to one and only one cycle with the knowledge that the final result is in God’s hands.

And to extinguish all the flaming arrow of the evil one. No regret for not having tried. Knowing that God will or will not expand our family and that, whatever the outcome, He will always be good. His plans are always better.

def. One that is thrown with a prayer because the odds against completion are big.

Lord, You are good and will always be good. Your plans are always best. Please continue to guide us and lead these conversations the way You would have them go. Thank you for keeping us close to You, helping us discuss expanding our family with love, respect, and understanding for one another. Bring us to a decision that honors You and our marriage. Thank you that, no matter the outcome, You are good. You will always be good.

def. A very, very lucky play.

Please, oh please, oh please.