Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Little Better?

I’ve noted that my life has a lot of question marks recently. Just an interesting observation.
I was in full on freak out mode yesterday. Sorry about that. I’m taking a step back from everything right now and deploying some of my old coping techniques. Mainly in the form of: “What is in front of me right now? What has to get done?” And then leaving everything else alone. It’s a take on “one day at a time” with a big focus on the immediate needs while shoving future needs into a numbered box. I’ll deal with each as their number comes.
And ordering sperm is #127, after “get through the current cycle,” “complete January cycle,” and, oh yeah, “come to an agreement with R on TTC.”
Today will be brought to you by the list of things I need to accomplish before I get on a plane tomorrow evening:
·         Purchase gold chargers and holiday salad plates (today)
·         Call in Little K’s prescription refill (pick up tomorrow)
·         Pack for Florida (tonight)
·         Pick up yarn for two last minute gifts (if I have time)
·         Finalize Christmas Eve menu (can do on the plane)
·         Purchase Honey Baked Ham and sides (tomorrow)
·         Clean the house (tonight)
·         Attend GLSI procedure (tomorrow at 1:00)
Oh, did I not mention the procedure I’m having done tomorrow? Yeaaaaah. Remember how I went to the doctor in November to have a bump checked, scheduled a procedure, and then had to reschedule when my period showed up two days early? That’s tomorrow.
Long story short (HA!) the bump in question is the same bump that got me into the doctor in the first place back in June and, while my doctor couldn’t locate the bump, it ended up being the reason why we found out about my VIN. The bump had returned in November but my doctor, again, could not locate it. So we have scheduled an in-office colposcopy of my vaginal canal. Along with a repeat pap smear, since my last came back abnormal.
I just… *sigh*. I hadn’t thought much about it but I’m sure that it’s one of the reasons I’ve been so tense the past few days. The bump feels like it’s getting bigger but also seems to be more pronounced at certain points in my cycle. Maybe it’s hormonal? Maybe it’s nothing. We’ll have a better idea tomorrow. The basic plan is to biopsy anything that looks even slightly abnormal. Think I’ll bring some excellent pain killers for the plane. Why do I always end up going to Florida when something is wrong with my vagina?
Don’t answer that.
I was reading my BSF notes this morning and came across this challenging statement:
[With Jesus Christ] As King, He is our Lord, to whom we submit our lives, to make choices through loving obedience to Him.
How am I being obedient to Christ in our TTC situation? What has the Lord asked me to do?
Really, I don’t know what He is asking. I haven’t heard much from Him lately on TTC. Nothing specific, anyway, about whether or not He wants us to move forward. I personally feel peace about cycling once and letting Him decide the outcome but I know that R doesn’t have peace on that yet. So, what should I do? What is He asking me to do?
In the absence of specific direction on this subject, I am working on being obedient to His call to let be and be still; know, recognize, and understand that He is God. The cycle is not right in front of us right now, so I don’t need to stress about it. The Lord will work on R in His own time and nothing I can say or do right now will speed Him up.
So, sit and be still. Pray daily and spend time in His word. Trust that, if it is His will, then the Lord will bring R to a place where he has peace about cycling.
And, if it isn’t, then He will bring me peace about staying as we are.
Get through the holidays, love the Lord.
That’s the plan right now. It’s a good plan.
God is good. He will always be good.

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