Tuesday, December 18, 2012

So Soon?

*I wrote this Friday morning but, with the tragedy, it didn't seem appropriate to post. Here goes.*

I am starting to freak out. In doing the prep work for possibly cycling in March I realized that, not including my current cycle (I ovulated over the weekend), I will only have one full cycle between now and *trying*. WOW. I mean, just…. WOW.
I can’t believe it. I am so nervous/excited/worried/ALL OF THE EMOTIONS about trying. What if I order the vials too early/too late? What if the vials break when we thaw them? What if we time it too early/too late? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does work? What if it works and we miscarry? What if it works and R is right that he can't do it? What if we don't do this and I regret/resent not trying? What if…
I’ve never been in this place before. Little K was an “Oops!” baby, as were both of R’s boys. THIS is so much more than I’m used to. I’m feeling all of the things and have no idea how to cope. All I can do is try to cut them off before they become overwhelming; give them to God over and over again.
I was on Etsy today and found this necklace:

I think I will purchase it for myself to wear during the cycle. A reminder, something physical to touch when I start feeling overwhelmed or scared. That every time I see it, touch it, put it on, I can calm down and remember:
God is good. He will always be good.

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