When she woke up Saturday morning, Little K wanted to play baby dolls. She asked me to get my porcelain doll and bouncer down from the top of the closet along with her doll, mini moses basket and stroller. (For context, the porcelain doll was given to my around my 10th birthday: she is very lifelike in size, weight, and features. I had named her Goldie.) After an hour of play, Little K was lounging on the big couch with her doll and a fake bottle watching cartoons. And I was on the loveseat with the porcelain baby.
I know I looked silly. I know it seems strange. I know it may be completely nuts - but I owned that moment.
I cuddled Goldie like a real baby. I changed it into Little K’s smallest newborn nightgown and put her knitted hospital cap on its head. I asked R to hold her for a moment, so I could see how he looked with a baby in his arms. I laid on the couch for a while with her “asleep” on my chest.
R and I poured a cup of coffee and looked at baby gear online. He talked about how cute babies are (I had no idea he thought that!) and how this time he would have witnesses to him making a fool of himself with babytalk. We talked about how we would reconfigure the house in order to make an extra bedroom and still keep his office.
I spent my weekend mourning.
R has been wonderful, joining me in these conversations and feelings. Somehow he knows that I need to experience these moments in order to let them go. We have children in our lives, but we didn’t experience pregnancy or babyhood together; this weekend gave me a few of the moments I missed with him.
I already know it didn’t work, and I am mostly okay with that. I’ve decided not to test tomorrow -instead, I will wait to test Saturday morning. My plan is to stay PUPO as long as possible but prepare myself for drinks and soft cheese Saturday night.