Conflicted

“There’s no way you could think all of that at once. You’d go mad!”

“Just because YOU have the emotional depth of a teaspoon…”

Name that book? Anyone?

I start my morning groggy and put on the water for tea before I get Little K out of bed. I put together a healthy lunch for me and a “what will she actually eat” lunch for her before I finish waking her up and insist she eats breakfast. Then I go in to get ready.

I see the digital test in the drawer when I get out my makeup, which reminds me to open the other drawer and take a prenatal vitamin. I get to work and note my dpo/symptoms on the calendar (4dpo, Nausea/Heartburn, Exhausted).

During the day I don’t think about it. When I get home each afternoon and start parenting, I hope it doesn’t work. But when I get to bed at night, curled up with R, I think about what it would be like to have his arm wrapped around my swollen abdomen. How our room would look with a changing table under that painting and a bassinet pulled up to the side of the bed. How it would feel to nurse a little one back to sleep before I finally nod off for the night…

But I don’t think it worked. The heartburn and nausea are from the darn pill. The tired is from only getting six hours of sleep each night. I still drink my caffeinated tea in the morning to wake up. I still take a scalding hot bath to relax at the end of a challenging day. I still expect R’s (third) final count on Friday to be zero. I still plan to color my hair this weekend. I still expect my period to start on February 18^th. I reassure R that it didn’t work, so he can please stop freaking out!

I have three tests in the drawer: one analog and two digital. I will take the analog on February 14^th, retesting on Feb 16^th and 18^th with the digitals.