One Year Ago

I was in Florida for our IUI Day anniversary but I wanted to be sure to mark this day.

Our timing was a mess last June. When the time came for me to schedule our travel to FL for Little K to see her Dad for the summer, I had no idea what CD I would be on. I finally decided to just pick a day and be done with it. It turned out that the day I was traveling back would be CD12, the day my clinic usually has you go in for an ultrasound. I could have left FL a day early but decided to just let it go. I arrived at my clinic early on CD13 and was surprised to hear that everything looked good. Even better, that my levels were perfect and we would be triggering that night.

Our IUI went smoothly, although I wasn't prepared for the cramping during the procedure. We had lunch, giggled at me being possibly pregnant, and headed home for a nap. Although I had prepared a great playlist for the drive to our clinic and resting with R after was wonderful, my favorite memory of that day is R praying for us before we went inside. He rarely prays out loud but took the time to give our morning and the result to God, trusting Him with the outcome and our desire to be in line with His plan for our family. That was a moment I will always hold so dear to my heart.

Our TWW dragged on and on and on. Rereading those posts, I remember the roller coaster of emotions I would go through each day. Little did I know that hope was right around the corner.

On this day, one year ago, we saw our positive test. The next day, we confirmed that I was pregnant. Then another beta. And an ultrasound.  It was a crazy time, especially going through all of that with Little K out of town and the boys visiting us. But it was filled with so much joy that I had trouble putting it into words. Even more trouble putting it on the blog, especially when I knew so many in this community were still waiting for their miracle. I didn't feel necessarily feel guilty about our blessings but I definitely recognize them as blessings and grace for our family.

It's hard to find time for the things I want to do now. I bought the third book of a historical fiction trilogy I was really into last summer and haven't read it yet. I have at least three Christian Life books I want to read. I am mostly keeping up with reading blogs but struggling with commenting, since most of my reading is on my phone. I barely have time to work, let alone write, at my computer. I managed to plant my garden but wasn't able to harvest my snowpeas before the squirrels got to them. I missed enjoying the blooms in my Spring flower garden...

But this post isn't to sit here a bemoan my lack of free time or blogging.  Instead, it is to marvel at the changes God has brought to our family one year and 11 days ago, we had our once-off, never going to do it again, trust God with the outcome IUI. Our "Hail Mary" play, not knowing the outcome but knowing we had to try. And God did it!

So much of our time leading up to our IUI was spent zeroed in on God's voice. I felt Him chipping away at all of the parts of me that I was holding on to, fighting for my own way, until He was all that remained. By the time R came to me that night in December, I was ready to not have any more children. Not that I didn't want more children but that I was at peace with our family. I had finally gotten to the place where I was content and could see clearly that life would be full of blessings with our little family of three.

When R told me we could try, I was so surprised that I didn't realize that was what he was saying. We moved forward with research and planning our natural cycle. Then I lost my job on January 25th and I really thought that was it for us; no more TTC. Then we received not one but two amazing answers to prayer when I accepted a work-from-home position just one week later. We started what we believed would be our IUI cycle in March just to find out I wasn't ovulating. Then we were cancelled. And cancelled again.

But then June came. And we were a go for our IUI. And, even though we were doing everything a day late, it worked. We were so surprised, so excited, so shocked, so thankful.

R and I talk a lot about what-if. What if my travel had changed and I went in on CD12 that June instead of CD13? What if we hadn't done monitoring with our first cycle? What if one of our other cycles wasn't cancelled?

With every what-if, we see the risk of the cycle ending in a negative beta. But, more than that, even if one of those cycles would have moved forward and worked, we wouldn't have THIS child. Little Buddy is so perfectly what our family was missing that I can't imagine having any other baby but him in our lives.

I'm remembering all of those emotions from our TWW as I finish writing this on June 23rd. I didn't know that I would receive a positive pregnancy test in less than 24 hours. That our lives were about to change so drastically. That our sweet, happy son was already growing inside me. That the Lord was going to use the upcoming pregnancy to grow my reliance on Him, my trust in His plan and creation, and my heart to enjoy a son with every part of myself.

So today, I am remembering one year ago and the amazing work the Lord had already begun in our lives. Our IF journey taught me how to Biblicaly-submit to my husband, taught R how to Biblicaly-love his wife, taught us both to prayerfully seek God's will, and how to desire His Plan for our family and lives. I matured more in my spiritual walk during those months and years than I ever expected and am so grateful for all the work the Lord did in me. Because of those five years, Little Buddy was born into a strong, faith-based family with parents who are committed to God and each other; who seek and desire God more than ourselves. What a blessing for Little Buddy and Little K!

It's now June 24th and I'm about to click Publish on this post. Little Buddy is on the cusp of sleep in his Rock n' Play next to my desk. I smell R cooking a late breakfast downstairs. My phone is quietly playing worship music to cover any sounds that may startle our little man awake.

Thank you, Lord, for this life. Help me to never take it for granted. Let me always praise You for the work You have done and are still going to do, and Your blessings that are right around the corner.

God is so Good.