CD19: Dosing Up on Clomid and Hope

Well, my first dose of Clomid has come and gone and I'm feeling okay so far. I took a look at the bottle I was given and it appears that I'm on 100mg daily for five days, of which four remain. No side effects so far except for a very sore neck and swollen glands under my jaw. I think I'm coming down with a cold. Ugh.

I was in shock yesterday. When I wasn't laughing at the absurdity of a girl who has donated 170+ eggs but can't seem to make one on her own, I kept repeating: 

This wasn't how I thought the morning would go...

By the time we pulled back into the driveway yesterday, I was done. I was frustrated and even a little angry - at myself, at my body, at the vasectomy... All of it. I was angry that, after everything that has gone down - all the egg donations, three years of compromising and negotiating about TTC, losing my job, the delay in cycling, having to forgo IVF, the higher cost of every appointment we've had - that here I am. Unable to ovulate on my own and taking Clomid.

WHAT. THE. HECK.

Sorry, I'm still getting over that.

Anyway.

I was so upset that I went inside, strapped on the gloves, turned up the beat, and spent 30 minutes wailing on my birthday present.

Isn't she pretty?

By the second song, my heart rate was well up. By number three, I was getting winded. And by number four, a space started to clear in my head for the Lord to begin to work. The space that told me that this wasn't the end. That reminded me of all the ways we've seen God work in our lives. That He can, will, and HAS done exceedingly abundantly more than anything we can ask or imagine.

By the end, I was hanging on the bag with my head against the canvas, breathing deeply. I can do this. We can do this. HE can do this.

I'm doing a little better today. I have a few scabs on my knuckles and an ache in my shoulders but I feel like I've passed a test. We're still moving forward and I'm working hard on regaining the peace I felt earlier in the week. In my lighter moments, I smile and remember my friend's words. It definitely feels like we're on that track right now.

Although we are still 11 days out from ovulation instead of two, we are still counting down. Four days left of Clomid, nine days until our next follicle scan. Hopefully just three-to-four weeks from welcoming a new life into our hearts and nine months from welcoming it into our family.

It's only my plans that have been interrupted, not His. How wonderful to know that I serve a Living God who doesn't hold my anger against me but, instead, uses it as a tool to draw me closer to Him.

Even in the storm, God is still so very good.

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.