***
Well, the boys have left and Little K is home. I'm surprised to say that I miss them already. The house is quiet, empty of their presence, their voices in the kitchen, the smell of teenage body spray...
Part of the joy of this visit was knowing that I didn't have to parent them. I was just able to hang out with them, take them to the mall or the lake, hand over control of the music in the car, stay up late watching Archer on the couch... They are old enough to not want, and not really need, another mom. Instead, I picture myself as the cool aunt to these boys: make sure we have lots of (safe) fun and call them out on their crap when they get out of hand or vulgar. Easy!
Parenting Little K is SO much more work!
Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled to have her home. Little K is the light of my life and I take a lot of joy in raising her. However, active parenting is hard work. As the mother in a broken household, I feel a lot of additional pressure to make sure that she grows up well adjusted, as well as making sure that R gets a similar experience with her that I get with the boys. I want to make sure that R and Little K get to have fun together, enjoy each other, without the additional burden of correction/discipline, you know?
Now, that's not always possible. Little K is a very smart, precocious child and needs firm boundaries, as well as immediate consequences, to make sure that she can continue to behave and speak politely. I put a great deal of effort into spending time with her, either actively or at least in the same room, so I can provide reminders, etc. right away in order to help her grow into a young lady who has healthy, respectful relationships. But, there are times when I need to trust R to enforce our house rules with Little K. The two of them have managed to develop their own unique relationship that works for them, allowing them to still have fun while remaining respectful. It's not my way of parenting her, but I'm thrilled that they have formed a relationship that is comfortable for both of them.
When I'm being really honest with myself, I get concerned about R and I parenting a child together. Up until now, I've raised Little K my way and he's raised the boys his way. The other partner is the co-pilot, you know? If the IUI works, we are going to have some challenges...
The past week was very eye opening for me, especially when realizing how out and out tired I was by the end of the week. Little K and SSA are seven years apart and the new child would be, too. It's a hard age difference to overcome. Do we really want to do this again? Do I have it in me to raise another child?
And what about R? He turns 48 today! If we're lucky we would have another child just a month or two before he turns 49. It became clear to me this week that I'm not so young anymore either - Jurassic Park came out for the first time when I was 13, which was almost 20 years ago, and my stepsons don't know Full House or Family Matters. OMG.
Why can't I just be happy with our little life, parenting Little K together and enjoying the boys when we can...
***
I'm not sure what the point of this post is, only to say that we miss the boys, are glad Little K is home, and wonder/worry about the future.
I'm done taking the Clomid, so now we are on wait and see over here. We have another follicle scan on Friday. I'm interested to see if this has helped or not. Right now, I feel like it didn't and that we're going to have to cancel.
I'm going to be asking my coordinator about using progesterone after the IUI. Given how out of whack my hormones are (apparently, sigh), I don't want to leave anything on the table!
I know a lot of what I'm feeling today is hormonal. Even though I'm done taking the Clomid, I'll be feeling the effects for a while. Plus, if it did its job, I should have at least a couple of follicles growing and pumping out estrogen.
It's going to be a weird week.
***
The boys played a ton of music I hadn't heard over the past week, since my songs are usually show tunes, Disney music, and Norah Jones. Here's one that is sticking out for me today:
Remaining hopeful for you.
ReplyDeleteI apologize for taking so long to make my way over to your blog.
ReplyDeleteThese are big questions you ponder in this blog, and I guess until having a child is a reality (i.e. one is pregnant), it is still fair game to pose them. But it can also be torture, especially in the midst of a treatment cycle. I hope you can put those to rest for now, and focus on this cycle. I am holding much hope for you.
Thank you so much for the very kind comments you have been leaving on my blog. I appreciate them so very much.
I thought the same thing about Jurassic Park. Way to make us all feel like dinosaurs ourselves Hollywood! haha!
ReplyDeleteHoping you get a nice surprise at your next ultrasound and that your body responded better then expected to the Clomid!
Ugh, Clomid. Did you know it sticks around in your system for 6+ weeks?! Even if what you're feeling is influenced by your hormones they are definitely things to think about. One of my childhood best friend's father was a little older than R and he was a GREAT dad. I loved going over to their house. I'm sure R will be just as great if this IUI is successful. I'm sure you will also figure out a parenting style that works for both of you and your family. You have both gone through so much to get to where you are now I know you have the strength and faith to conquer this too. =]
ReplyDeleteIt seems you you and R are going about parenting these kids in a really healthy way. Good for you for being so mindful and intentional about it.
ReplyDelete