- Have you realized that God's goal is not your immediate satisfaction? His goal is for your faith in His promises and your love for Him to grow.
- Whom do your prayers show you value - God or yourself?
- God sometimes causes His children to wait for His answer to grow our faith and deepen our desire. He causes us to pray as never before and to trust Him, thinking of who He is even more than for what we are asking.
- (Keep on) Asking, (Keep on) Seeking, (Keep on) Knocking: God uses our "knocking" to bring our desires in line with His holy will for our lives.
- He will not always give you your superficial or even cherished desires, but He will satisfy the deepest longings of your heart for closeness to Himself and spiritual growth and discernment.
- Since the first day that your set your mind to gain an understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard. Daniel 10:12-13
I spent five years knocking (praying repeatedly), three of those in earnest, in my desire for a child. It wasn't until Fall 2012, though, that the Lord started showing me that I should be asking for His will rather than for a child. It specifically started during our BSF study of Genesis.
When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, and Abraham walked along with them to see them on their way. Then the Lord said, “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do? Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him.”
Then the Lord said, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”
The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the Lord. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
The Lord said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”
He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”
He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”
He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.
Our discussion group and the follow-up lecture drove home this thought:
God already knew how many righteous people were in Sodom and whether or not it would destroyed. The conversation with Abraham and his questions didn't change God's mind. Instead, it brought Abraham into alignment with God's will. To the understanding that - if and when Abraham saw Sodom burn - God knew all along what the outcome would be.
This idea of "Keep On" Asking, "Keep On" Seeking, "Keep on" Knocking - in the interest of purposefully aligning my desires with God' will - was brand new to me. (See BSF notes above.) It was then that I started focusing on God's will for our family rather than my desire for a child. For a desire that had been my focus for so long, this was a serious struggle! I focused on this kind of prayer so specifically that, by the time R said we could attempt a treatment cycle, I wasn't even sure that I wanted/needed another child anymore. Simply because I was filled with God's peace about our current situation.
Please don't misunderstand. I knew that I still wanted to pursue treatment and believed that the Lord had blessed that path for us, simply because we went from two opposite viewpoints on family building to unity. That was miraculous all on its own! I had committed to Him that, whatever R said when the time came would be the course for our family and that I would obey.
The point is that I was at peace. I knew that my faith, happiness, heart were no longer dependent on the outcome of our treatment. I knew that, whatever happened, it was God's will for us. I finally got to the point of desiring His will over my wants.
I want to be sure to say that I don't feel this mindset caused the Lord to give us a child. I didn't obey my way into this pregnancy. What it allowed me to do was THRIVE rather than survive. Even after R agreed to treatment, it took another six months, including three cancelled cycles, before we even got to the IUI. Through the final leg of the journey, when I was ready more than ever to break and scream as the months dragged on, I was instead able to focus on HIM. His timing, His purpose.
My faith grew over our five/three years leading up to treatment but especially during those final 12 months. I feel like I matured in my faith and started really getting to the heart of my relationship with Christ - it's not about me. It's never been about me. I exist to do His will and worship Him.
I have been thinking a lot lately about baby Aaron. About how special and unique he is. About how, if R had agreed to have a child right away or if any of the other cycles hadn't been cancelled, Aaron wouldn't be with us now. I may have gotten pregnant on one of those cycles. I may not have. But, either way, I wouldn't have THIS child.
Aaron is the son the Lord designed and planned for us. I'm so excited to see how God will continue to work in his life and in ours as we parent him.