*Does it still count as alliteration if the letters aren't the same?*
I’ve been quiet the past few weeks. Part of it has been the incredibly weird periods I’ve been having
Aside: Eight week cycle, three days of bleeding; seven week cycle, two days of bleeding; three week cycle, going on five days of bleeding. What even?
and the extended PMS.
Aside: I mean, seriously. I get a little testy the week before my period but I have learned to recognize it and adjust my responses accordingly. But three weeks? Three weeks of the worst mood ever?? That was freaking hard.
But I’m feeling much better now. The extra hormones are on the way out and my good will has returned. Ahhhhh. Big sigh of relief.
I’ve been especially quiet on the baby thing. Three weeks of PMS managed to knock those baby cravings right out. And, of course, my professional opportunity curling up in the corner to die helped with that (another sigh). Although I’m not yet at the point of giving away the few remaining pieces of gear in the attic, I’m definitely feeling like it’s not going to happen and am working on being okay with that.
We originally set the end of 2012 as the big decision moment, with the understanding that R would spend the months leading up to it working on coming around. Then the SSA thing happened. Originally it helped sway him toward having another child but as the months have worn on, depression has set in and R is against the whole idea. The possibility of me working from home opened the idea back up for a while and now that’s out, too.
I think that one of the reasons I went so baby crazy this summer is because SSA moved out. The last time he moved out and then back, R told him that, if he moved out again, he would not be allowed to move back in with us. I think that part of my push to have another child would be to use up that room in our house, requiring R to stand by his earlier statement.
As we can see, three months later and, instead of a teenage boy’s room or a nursery, we have a guest room. It feels calm and neutral, a step toward healing and an agreement to keep ourselves a family of three. I’ll be honest and let you know that I’m scared of what will happen if SSA moves back in (40% chance in Summer 2013). The guest room is a commitment to our new normal and seeing it go back to the way it was would be so, so hard.
I want what’s best for our family. I want SSA to mature into a young man and eventually grow into a competent, responsible adult. I want R to be happy. I’m not sure those last two can happen at the same time, which makes this whole situation so much harder.
I’ve shared my thoughts with R in love and am working on trusting God with the outcome.
Lord, help me to trust You with the outcome of this situation. Help us to parent SSA in a way that honors You and causes him to grow into a young man. Make Your will clear and make us open to acting as You have called, even if it is hard. Soften my heart and help me to accept Your final decision, even if it is not the decision I would make. Take R’s worry and depression and fill him with joy and peace. Protect our family and our marriage during this time. Help us to honor You with everything that we do. You are God; You are Good. Amen.
“Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?”
“Look at the birds in the sky! They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren’t you worth more than birds? Can worry make you live longer?”
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.”
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life!
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God!