Thursday, October 25, 2012

Cycles, Symbols, Scripture

*Does it still count as alliteration if the letters aren't the same?*
I’ve been quiet the past few weeks. Part of it has been the incredibly weird periods I’ve been having
Aside: Eight week cycle, three days of bleeding; seven week cycle, two days of bleeding; three week cycle, going on five days of bleeding. What even?
and the extended PMS.
Aside: I mean, seriously. I get a little testy the week before my period but I have learned to recognize it and adjust my responses accordingly. But three weeks? Three weeks of the worst mood ever?? That was freaking hard.
But I’m feeling much better now. The extra hormones are on the way out and my good will has returned. Ahhhhh. Big sigh of relief.
I’ve been especially quiet on the baby thing. Three weeks of PMS managed to knock those baby cravings right out. And, of course, my professional opportunity curling up in the corner to die helped with that (another sigh). Although I’m not yet at the point of giving away the few remaining pieces of gear in the attic, I’m definitely feeling like it’s not going to happen and am working on being okay with that.
We originally set the end of 2012 as the big decision moment, with the understanding that R would spend the months leading up to it working on coming around. Then the SSA thing happened. Originally it helped sway him toward having another child but as the months have worn on, depression has set in and R is against the whole idea. The possibility of me working from home opened the idea back up for a while and now that’s out, too.
I think that one of the reasons I went so baby crazy this summer is because SSA moved out. The last time he moved out and then back, R told him that, if he moved out again, he would not be allowed to move back in with us. I think that part of my push to have another child would be to use up that room in our house, requiring R to stand by his earlier statement.
As we can see, three months later and, instead of a teenage boy’s room or a nursery, we have a guest room. It feels calm and neutral, a step toward healing and an agreement to keep ourselves a family of three. I’ll be honest and let you know that I’m scared of what will happen if SSA moves back in (40% chance in Summer 2013). The guest room is a commitment to our new normal and seeing it go back to the way it was would be so, so hard.
I want what’s best for our family. I want SSA to mature into a young man and eventually grow into a competent, responsible adult. I want R to be happy. I’m not sure those last two can happen at the same time, which makes this whole situation so much harder.
I’ve shared my thoughts with R in love and am working on trusting God with the outcome.
Lord, help me to trust You with the outcome of this situation. Help us to parent SSA in a way that honors You and causes him to grow into a young man. Make Your will clear and make us open to acting as You have called, even if it is hard. Soften my heart and help me to accept Your final decision, even if it is not the decision I would make. Take R’s worry and depression and fill him with joy and peace. Protect our family and our marriage during this time. Help us to honor You with everything that we do. You are God; You are Good. Amen.

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