Monday, October 8, 2012

CD3: Slightly Down, Maybe Out

Three Four FIVE SIX! good things:
·         R’s professional opportunity is still alive!
·         We have a base cycle in the Fertility.Friend app!
·         My parents came to visit!
·         Music time with my dad!
·         Looking through photo albums with my parents and Little K!
·         We finished the guest room!

The rest of this will be a bit complain-y. Feel free to move on.
A few things happened this weekend:
·         My professional opportunity did not come together the way we expected.
·         My period started.
·         Little K had a tough day on Sunday.
All of this has me a little… done right now.
Honestly, Little K having a tough day on Sunday wasn’t her fault. I feel like it was mine. I was so off from my period and the professional thing that I wasn’t as patient as I could have been. How important was it for her to change into regular clothes? To finish her breakfast? To not toss her stuffed animal in the air? To stop touching my face? I could have let all of that slide. Instead, I insisted on each one and she got upset because of it. *sigh* Yesterday feels like a parenting fail.
Professionally, I expected today to go differently. Instead, I drove to work as usual and back into complete craziness as we prepare for our biggest event of the season. I’m glad to have so much to do at the office the past few weeks; it makes the time fly. And I feel very on top of things right now! Event planning is definitely my thing and it shows. Plus my monster project is caught up in a way that it has never been before. I feel like I just might be able to pull this off long term. The bad news is that we can’t predict when another opportunity like that will come up and TTC depends on making that change.
As for my period, I expected it. My temps were nuts all last week, fluctuating between 97.7 and 97.3 (my coverline). Charting has been a blessing and a curse. I love gathering information and learning about my body. I hated how waiting to ovulate caused us to not be intimate as often. I hated knowing when I was TWW-ing. And I hated how the app popped up with symptoms and probability of pregnancy. BLAH. It definitely messed with my mind, even with the vasectomy.
Between the parenting fail, hormones, and professional mess, I feel like I don’t even want to try for another child. My days are packed full, starting at 6:30 AM and ending at 10:00 PM. No time to sit down and read a book, let alone parent another child. No additional patience to spread around. No money for day care. Why bother?
The tough thing is knowing that I only feel this way because of the those things above (professional, period, patience). As my body ramps up for ovulation, I know the baby crazy will take over again and I’ll be all “Baby Times!” Argh. I feel like I don’t know which side is real: the no baby or the yay baby. Both are wrapped up in hormones and my cycle. I think this is where I’m really trusting in R to lead our family. If he one day decides that we can try to expand our family, then we will. Otherwise, we won’t.
It’s that simple for me right now: I can’t trust myself, so I’ll trust him.
And I trust R by praying for him. For the Lord to make His will known and to guide R in his decision making.
Oh, how I wish I could eat a plate of chocolate-peanut butter-oatmeal drop cookies and BIG glass of milk. Instead, I will swallow a 5-HTP and some cheese with celery. Darn you, At.Kins!!

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