Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Tears that Fall

I used to be so afraid of crying. Ask anyone who knew me before Little K was born and they will tell you that 1) I was bossy (well, more so than I am now), and 2) I refused to cry in public.
But the tears come easily now. I cry during prayers, at baptisms, during scripture readings. I cry when I’m reading my BSF notes. I cry during songs about hope, forgiveness, and God’s majesty.
I cry at weddings but not at funerals. A childhood friend was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and, when I heard that they moved her into hospice, I didn’t cry; I did cry when I heard she accepted Christ a few weeks before passing.
This past Monday night, our teaching leader opened the lecture by recounting the reading the first portion of Genesis 1 by the Apollo astronauts. I was crying within the first two verses.
Having Little K made me vulnerable. I’m more emotional, more easily moved to tears. I live constantly aware of God’s grace and the wonder of His creation.
I’m carrying my emotions close to the surface this week. As I was preparing for BSF, I read The Message paraphrase of Genesis 1. I was struck by God’s command:
God spoke: “Light!” And light appeared.
The power! The authority! To know that we worship a God who can create dramatic change with a single word!
I don’t know how to pray for it -or if I even should- but I want God to speak “Life!” into our family. To overcome R’s vasectomy and to create a new life out of nothingness.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (MSG)

This Bible verse keeps coming up for me. I am tired of waiting but I don’t know how or what to pray for. I want my desires and want God’s will at the same time. I don’t know if my desire and God’s will are aligned or not…

And then I see the verse in another translation:
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. (NLT)

Yes. Yes to all of that. I don’t know what God wants me to pray because I don’t know if my desire is His will or not. But the Holy Spirit knows and brings all of this mess inside me before the throne of God.
I see myself laying on the floor, crying “Not my will but Yours… but please let Your will be for us to have a child.”
I’m a mess, ya’ll. (You know it’s bad when the Southern comes out.)
In other news, my temp rose again today. Just waiting to see if it stays elevated for two more days. Maybe we can blame the tears on ovulation.
*Paraphrased from this week's BSF notes*
What area of your life feels formless or empty? How will you invite the Creator to restore order within you?

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