Tuesday, September 11, 2012

More than Words

I feel blocked. Sequestered. Secretive. Hidden. I have this incredible desire in me but can’t express it. My attempts to talk about another child have been shut down and from the most unlikely sources. I feel like now all I can do is to gather these longings inside me and hide them from everyone else.
My continued arguments have turned into nagging. My attempts at discussion have ended with my words left hanging in the air – unanswered, unnoticed. Not validated, not heard.
I am hurt and I am hurting.
Conversations have become stilted, forced. I have nothing to talk about and so I have nothing to say. I want to hide, to leave the phone silent.
Hello-how-are-you has turned into hey-look-over-there!
We attended the new church for the third time this weekend and a family with infant triplets was in the back row…
BSF reconvened for the new year last night and it looks like our teaching leader is pregnant – a long shot given her age but she is a newlywed…
I walked through the office just minutes ago and a co-worker I had noted as possibly pregnant is now obviously pregnant…
So I’m gathering my hurt around me, inside me. Moving dreams into the attic, literally. Put on a happy face.
Luckily, God is good and His promises are true. Our BSF study this year is of Genesis and the notes for today’s lesson could not possibly be more welcome:
What God has planned and commanded will happen.
Without fail, if God’s plan is for us to have another child - it will happen. Nothing can stop Him.
I don’t know God’s plan. I don’t know if we will be given another child. But I do know that I want HIS plan, not mine.
Lord, More than I want another child, I want to be aligned with Your plan. Help me to trust You as you continue to reveal Your mysteries and truth. Take my hurt and replace it with peace. Take my pain and replace it with joy. You are the Creator and sustainer of life. You are good. Amen.

No comments:

Post a Comment