We received some great news this past Thursday at our ultrasound. The placenta previa found at our anatomy scan has completely resolved. Praise God! This is a huge answer to prayer and means we can move forward with a vaginal birth. R and I are incredibly grateful for this news.
We brought Little K to the ultrasound with us and she had a great time. She had lots of questions before, during, and after, and wanted to use the ultrasound wand. Maybe we have a future ultrasound tech on our hands? Her comments have been: watching his heart beat is creepy, the ultrasound goo is icky, he is really flexible.
Aaron is doing great. He is head down and has already dropped, which is a relief to my lungs. He is measuring in the 55th percentile, right on target. He is still moving a lot and those movements are really big. We are really looking forward to meeting him!
As for me, I'm doing okay. Physically, I feel fine. Better than a few weeks ago even. Now that Aaron has dropped, I can put on my own shoes and climbing into bed no longer leaves me out of breath. R and I just got started back into our walking routine after Christmas/sinus infection and the insane temps last week. I feel strong and healthy.
Emotionally and mentally, I feel like I'm struggling.
Warning: Stressed Pregnant Lady Ahead
Yesterday was a really tough day for me. Physically, I'm doing fine but, emotionally, I'm struggling. I spent the day (actually, it started on Sunday) feeling completely overwhelmed.
Part of it is the baby shower this weekend. I knew setting up our registry on Amazon could prove difficult for some people but our shower is just days away and... nothing. We tried so hard to only register for things we need, thought through each item, reviewed consumer reports. I'm afraid we will be well stocked with clothes but have none of the gear to get through those first months. I know that sounds selfish and ungrateful but that's where I am right now. Thankfully, we've had wonderful and generous family members provide us with some of the big items (stroller, car seat, rock and play...) so it's not like we are completely unprepared.
I feel like I'm already struggling with how to care for two children. Little K is a very high maintenance child and it's not like a baby is easy. I'm keenly aware of how important it will be to continue to meet Little K's needs the first few months, responding to her with the level of patience, calm, and empathy that she needs in order to thrive. Without this kind of response from us, we will be setting up years of rivalry and ill-feelings for her about Aaron. Unfortunately, although I've modeled this style of parenting for R for the past five years, he hasn't had much opportunity to be the one responding to her at her worst. I always step in to take the hard moments because I'm used to it (and even then it's a struggle for me). I feel like I've failed in preparing R for the road ahead as he becomes more active in parenting Little K.
I feel like I don't have a solid plan for how to do life with two children. I have no idea how I'll manage to get involved with the praise team again after Aaron is born. Little K has a lot of interests that I want to foster (cheerleading, music, swim team, drama) but don't know how I'll find the funds or the time. I also keep meaning to get her into some preemptive counseling because of our family history of mental illness and the divorce but time, money, and availability never seem to come together even though it would be best to get her into counseling before Aaron is born.
I'm no longer able to get my BSF done one day at a time like I'm supposed to and am, instead, turning into the woman who crams five days worth of questions into a single afternoon. My big plans to read Jesus Calling every day has already fallen to reading two or three all at once in order to catch up with the current date. Although Little K and I are able to keep up with the children's Jesus Calling and it's going really well.
My relationship with R has been suffering because of my current funk. He is so wonderfully caring and compassionate, pushing himself to be optimistic while I'm feeling down, going out of his way to help around the house, being gentle with me. And I'm feeling so out of sorts that I can barely be outwardly thankful for all he is doing. I want to feel better, desired, and cared for but I'm struggling.
I've been mentoring a lovely girl for the past two months and feel like all of these things stressing me out are attacks in order to break me down so I'm not as effective with her. I even warned her that the enemy's attacks become more specific and plentiful when God is at work in your life in meaningful ways. Here I am, in the middle of a storm, doubting myself for ever moving forward with treatment. I feel like I'm already failing Aaron and Little K. Like I'm setting up our family for hard, rough years instead of joy.
I'm feeling listless and have trouble getting motivated during the day. I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the deadlines to meet before Aaron's due date, both with work and with baby projects. I just feel like a hot mess lately. My sleep is no longer restful. I have so much to do that I end up getting nothing done.
Today (actually, this whole past week) is the kind of day when I would usually take a 5-HTP. But it's contraindicated in pregnancy, so I'm just here. Struggling to put together the energy to do anything.
I called the midwife Monday afternoon and requested a list of medications, either prescription, herbal/homeopathic, or OTC that I can take for depression. I refuse to go into birth and early parenthood already feeling at a disadvantage.Waiting to hear back.
I also called a Christian child counselor and left a message yesterday in order to try to get Little K in within the next few weeks. We'll see.