Music Monday: Every Now and Then

I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I think the enormity of the past two and a half weeks has hit me, as well as the complications ahead for our little family.

I started the new job on Friday of last week by traveling to VA for training. While the time itself was great and I feel well equipped for the job, I did learn about some responsibilities I will have in November that will require a good bit of travel out of state. I am currently on CD6 of what it supposed to be “the cycle” and would have an estimated due date of November 16^th, three days after the major travel would end.

So, we’re looking at having to postpone the donor cycle by one month for work stuff.

Another complication is our health coverage. My job provided our health insurance, which ended in January. Luckily COB.RA will keep us from going without coverage. We have been looking at purchasing our own health insurance and found a plan in our budget that covers everything we need. However, their maternity coverage only kicks in after 300 days.

So, we’re looking at having to postpone the donor cycle by three months for insurance purposes.

Tax season is upon us and, due to SSA moving out, we are looking at filing our taxes with zero children to claim. My severance was going to pay off several debts and cover our cryobank costs. We are now looking at having to use that money to pay our taxes.

So, we’re looking at having to postpone the donor cycle by two months for financial reasons.

I feel so… emotions… right now. I was really looking forward to cycling this month, to finding some resolution one way or another. I was so full of hope! I really was expecting this to work for us. I was looking at décor and gear, thinking that it really was WHEN and not IF. I had a feeling that I would be pregnant before I turn 32 next month. That we could be announcing a pregnancy before summer. That we were going to find ourselves parents to another child before the end of the year.

But now I’m down. Faced with three months of waiting, putting birth in 2014, I’m less hopeful. R will be turning 49 in 2014. I’ll be turning 33. We’ll have been married for five years this December and I’d only be 6 months pregnant.

It feels so very far away. I’ve been waiting for so long and thought this month would bring it to an end! The thought of waiting even longer for all this stuff that is completely out of our control makes me feel so angry and despondent!

I’m also dealing with some ex stuff right now that is making everything so much harder than it needs to be. Having to be patient and kind, yet firm, is exhausting.

I am working on reminding myself of everything I know in my heart:

God is good. His plans are perfect and for our success, not failure. He is in control. He knows if/when we will conceive. He knows the perfect cycle and timing for conception. He knows our needs. He responds in ways that are beyond our understanding or imagination.

No matter how I am feeling, HE is good.

Lord, You are good and Your plans are perfect. Please help me now. Give me peace, patience, and strength in the waiting. Thank you that I can trust You in all situations. Help me to give You all of my worries, frustrations, and cares. I love you. Thank you that You see the big picture, You know what's coming. None of this surprises You! Help me to trust You. Amen.