Tears that Fall

I used to be so afraid of crying. Ask anyone who knew me before Little K was born and they will tell you that 1) I was bossy (well, more so than I am now), and 2) I refused to cry in public.

But the tears come easily now. I cry during prayers, at baptisms, during scripture readings. I cry when I’m reading my BSF notes. I cry during songs about hope, forgiveness, and God’s majesty.

I cry at weddings but not at funerals. A childhood friend was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and, when I heard that they moved her into hospice, I didn’t cry; I did cry when I heard she accepted Christ a few weeks before passing.

This past Monday night, our teaching leader opened the lecture by recounting the reading the first portion of Genesis 1 by the Apollo astronauts. I was crying within the first two verses.

Having Little K made me vulnerable. I’m more emotional, more easily moved to tears. I live constantly aware of God’s grace and the wonder of His creation.

I’m carrying my emotions close to the surface this week. As I was preparing for BSF, I read The Message paraphrase of Genesis 1. I was struck by God’s command:

God spoke: “Light!” And light appeared.

The power! The authority! To know that we worship a God who can create dramatic change with a single word!

I don’t know how to pray for it -or if I even should- but I want God to speak “Life!” into our family. To overcome R’s vasectomy and to create a new life out of nothingness.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (MSG)

This Bible verse keeps coming up for me. I am tired of waiting but I don’t know how or what to pray for. I want my desires and want God’s will at the same time. I don’t know if my desire and God’s will are aligned or not…

And then I see the verse in another translation:

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. (NLT)

Yes. Yes to all of that. I don’t know what God wants me to pray because I don’t know if my desire is His will or not. But the Holy Spirit knows and brings all of this mess inside me before the throne of God.

I see myself laying on the floor, crying “Not my will but Yours… but please let Your will be for us to have a child.”

I’m a mess, ya’ll. (You know it’s bad when the Southern comes out.)

In other news, my temp rose again today. Just waiting to see if it stays elevated for two more days. Maybe we can blame the tears on ovulation.

*Paraphrased from this week's BSF notes*

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. (NIV)

What area of your life feels formless or empty? How will you invite the Creator to restore order within you?

Concerns: I Have Them

Let’s cut right to the chase here:

Do you see that? Do you see the temp spike at ovulation and then how my temp goes all the way back down to normal? That’s concerning.

I reached out to my old coordinator this morning, asking about blood tests. I’ve also been researching natural ways to increase progesterone. So far, the one I lake best is simply to increase to 750mg Vitamin C daily. Right now I’m just glad that I’m charting and locating problems before we (possibly) try to conceive. It would be terribly depressing to drop $1200 if my body isn’t producing enough progesterone to actually support a pregnancy.

In related news, I took Little K to the playground this weekend and it was absolutely covered in children under 3 years old and their moms. After about 30 minutes the crowd began to thin until just two families remained. Of the two, one was a mother with four daughters – age 7 to 10 months, each spaced about 2 years apart. The other was a mom of three – 3 year old girl, 2 year old boy, and an infant.

It was a difficult afternoon.

The one bright spot was seeing what I want to be. The seven year old was doing her own thing while the two middle children played together and mom hung out in the shade with the baby. Later, the mom of three had her two older children on the swings while the baby napped in the shade facing the swing set.

I watched the two families and saw exactly what I’ve been picturing. As Little K grows older, I become more confident that the age gap will be okay. Little K is maturing every day. She likes to explore and experiment on her own now, happy to do her thing as long as I’m watching and responding. She used to be very possesive of my attention and is beginning to mellow. Maybe the age difference would end up being a blessing.

That is, if I ever manage to get these hormones under control.

Right now the plan is to ride out this cycle and see what the chart says. I’m also picking up the vitamin C supplements in preparation for the next cycle. Cycle two will be vitamin C and maybe OPKs.

Or, of course, whether or not we’ll try at all.

Speaking of such things, R and I had a good talk over the weekend and seems like we understand each other better this morning. I was able to explain that, when I talk about TTC, I am not trying to persuade him but to process my thoughts and emotions. And R was able to find a place within himself where he can process his thoughts about TTC and attempt to open up to the idea without shutting down.

We both have some professional opportunities in the works that could lead to improvements in outlook and finances, which would be nice for life in general as well as possible conception. By the end of cycle two we should know what’s up with each opportunity, which will definitely influence whether or not we’ll move forward with TTC.

So, there’s everything. I am apprehensive about my chart. The weekend was tough but the week ahead feels promising. Professional change may be coming for both of us. TTC remains undecided.

What’s new with you?

Creation

A great question in yesterday’s BSF lesson: “Why do you think God created the world?”

[Aside: I have just this second realized that this question can be taken two ways: What are your reasons for believing God created the world? Or, What do you think God’s purpose was for creating the world? In reading the initial question, I answered it as I would the later interpretation; the former didn’t even cross my mind. My belief -mind, heart, and soul- is that God created the world. I’m not here to debate or offer scientific fact, only to say that I believe in a divine God who is the source of all things including the universe, the earth, and all life.]

Anyway, back to my thoughts on the purpose of creation.

Our scripture to use in answering was Genesis 1 and Psalm 8. Verses that stood out to me were these:

·         In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1 NIV

·         God’s Spirit brooded like a bird above the watery abyss. Genesis 1:2b MSG

·         God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them

 reflecting our nature […] Genesis 1:26a MSG

·         God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31a NIV

·         I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and start mounted in their settings. Psalm 8:3 MSG

·         You put us in charge of your handcrafted world. Psalm 8:6 MSG

I was told that the two books you need for studying the Bible are a bible and a dictionary. Because Genesis 1 is so familiar to me, I wanted to look up some of the words:

·         Create: to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.

·         Brood: to think persistently about; ponder; to cover or seem to fill the atmosphere or scene.

·         Make: to bring into existence; to make a work of art.

• Handicraft: manual skill; an art, craft, or trade in which the skilled use of one's hands is required.

As I pray and meditate on these verses and definitions, I think about music.

Music is inside of me, a part of who I am. I compose, sing, and play instruments, not because I have to but because I need to. Being away from my instruments when inspiration strikes, or being at a location where singing would be inappropriate, is so frustrating; I dwell on my need to make music until I get to a place where I can play or sing. The feeling I have when making music is of release and relief – everything was pent up inside of me and feels so good to let out.

I feel God’s purpose for creating the world is because He IS a creative God. That this world and everything good in it is a part of Himself that He needed to express. Genesis 1:31 could be more than a statement of fact – it could be the joy and relief He feels in expressing His creativity and in giving life.

Whether your inspiration is music, dance, art, words, numbers, medicine… Imagine the joy you experience when you are finally able to express your creativity. The God who made the universe took the same joy in creating this world we inhabit.

And in creating YOU.

Better

I’m feeling better today. I was pretty emotional on Tuesday, which is out of the norm for me, and then you know what happened? I ovulated on Wednesday. Huh! Didn’t see that coming.

But you know what? I DID see that coming! Because I’ve been charting! Who knew this stuff actually works? Take a look for yourself:

Check that out! I’ll admit that the first half of the cycle looks pretty cra-cray but I’ll cut myself some slack on account of a cold, a sunburn, and a flu shot, which all caused my temp to go nuts. But there it is over the past few days – evened out, dropped, and then rose. Wow! I woke up several times last night and noticed that I felt hot, then saw that my temp rose this morning. This is. So cool!

The one odd thing I’ve noticed (and perhaps the reason just tracking CM hasn’t worked for me in the past?) is that I have two days of EW but actually ovulate on the first day rather than on the second. Previously I would just note it on the first day and then try on day two. Learned something new!

So now I have more information available than ever before: I ovulated on cycle day 22, the first day of EW. If this both halves of the cycle are even, my period should start on day 44 putting me at a 6.5-week cycle. Let’s watch!

I also *may* have gone completely off my rocker last weekend and purchased the OPKs for at-home insemination. This was, of course, before everything went south and I agreed to stop talking about babies for the foreseeable future. But a girl can dream and, believe me, I do and will – dream, that is. I figure I’ll chart this entire cycle and probably the next, then chart and OPK the third cycle with the hope of actually trying on the fourth cycle. (If R agrees, which, let’s face it, is unlikely.) I’ve also started saving to pay for one round of home insemination and should have all of the funds in place by January. See above for disclaimer...

In non-baby-making news, BSF is going great. R, Little K, and I are all doing the study and it’s great to sit down at the dinner table each night to talk about what we’ve learned. We are doing the weekly Bible memory verses with Little K this year, too, and she already has her verse for the week memorized. Big girl!

“I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect Your word.” Psalms 119:16 (NIV)

We worked with Little K to understand what these words mean, finally landing on our family’s paraphrase:

“I’m excited to learn about the Bible and I won’t ignore what I learn.”

Pretty cool! The Message gives us a translation in context:

How can a young person live a clean life?    By carefully reading the map of your Word. I’m single-minded in pursuit of you;    don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted. I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart    so I won’t sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, God;    train me in your ways of wise living. I’ll transfer to my lips    all the counsel that comes from your mouth; I delight far more in what you tell me about living    than in gathering a pile of riches. I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,    I attentively watch how you’ve done it. I relish everything you’ve told me of life,    I won’t forget a word of it.

This is what I want for Little K, for R, for myself, and for any other children we have – to love God with intensity and to be filled with the desire to grow closer to Him.

Lord, thank You for providing Your word in a language that we understand. Thank You that Your word is alive and applicable today. Thank You for giving our family a desire to learn more about You. Continue to knit our family closer together as we study Your word this year. Amen.

More than Words

I feel blocked. Sequestered. Secretive. Hidden. I have this incredible desire in me but can’t express it. My attempts to talk about another child have been shut down and from the most unlikely sources. I feel like now all I can do is to gather these longings inside me and hide them from everyone else.

My continued arguments have turned into nagging. My attempts at discussion have ended with my words left hanging in the air – unanswered, unnoticed. Not validated, not heard.

I am hurt and I am hurting.

Conversations have become stilted, forced. I have nothing to talk about and so I have nothing to say. I want to hide, to leave the phone silent.

Hello-how-are-you has turned into hey-look-over-there!

We attended the new church for the third time this weekend and a family with infant triplets was in the back row…

BSF reconvened for the new year last night and it looks like our teaching leader is pregnant – a long shot given her age but she is a newlywed…

I walked through the office just minutes ago and a co-worker I had noted as possibly pregnant is now obviously pregnant…

So I’m gathering my hurt around me, inside me. Moving dreams into the attic, literally. Put on a happy face.

Luckily, God is good and His promises are true. Our BSF study this year is of Genesis and the notes for today’s lesson could not possibly be more welcome:

What God has planned and commanded will happen.

Without fail, if God’s plan is for us to have another child - it will happen. Nothing can stop Him.

I don’t know God’s plan. I don’t know if we will be given another child. But I do know that I want HIS plan, not mine.

God’s way is perfect. The Lord’s promises always prove to be true. He protects those who trust in Him.

“I alone know the plans I have for you, [declares the Lord] plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about a future full of hope.”

Lord, More than I want another child, I want to be aligned with Your plan. Help me to trust You as you continue to reveal Your mysteries and truth. Take my hurt and replace it with peace. Take my pain and replace it with joy. You are the Creator and sustainer of life. You are good. Amen.

Truth in Advertizing

I spent Wednesday night in stress dreams, waking up for a few minutes then falling back to sleep only to pick up right where it left off. I was relieved when the alarm finally sounded, letting me know that I could temp and get out of bed.

After a full -fun but long- day on Thursday, I was worried about laying my head back on that pillow. So I took myself to the kitchen. A glass, ice cubes, some pink, a splash tonic, and a sprig of mint later, I was ready to relax. I tried taking it to bed with me but felt anxious as soon as I went into the room.

So I headed to the laptop instead.

This will be referred to as mistake number one.

I opened the screen, checked email and noticed an extra tab in the browser. Which was, of course, the baby gear page. Sipping on my drink, I scrolled through travel systems, pack and plays, high chairs, and bedding. In my insanity, I decided that I wanted to be surprised in the delivery room and settled on a gender neutral theme. My rational mind surfaced briefly and let me know that *clearly* it was time for bed.

Close the laptop, turn off lights, and head to bed with the remnants of a nightcap in my glass. Entering the bedroom, R looked up from his book, chuckled at the drink in my hand, and simply asked how I was doing.

Mistake number two.

Muttering about how vodka makes me honest, what followed was a slightly rambling monologue about owls, baby names, and paint chips. Poor R had a deer-in-the-headlights look about him by the time I was done. To his credit, though, he latched on to the baby names and we ended up spending 10 minutes at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night looking up names that start with “A” for the baby boy that has neither been conceived nor agreed upon to even pursue.

And then I slept like a rock for almost eight hours.

In case you were wondering, we have almost vetoed our top choice of Aaron because I pronounce it the same as errand. Tied for second place are Aiden and Archer.

Letting it All Hang Out

Three FIVE good things:

·         My amazing mom returned home from Uganda.

·         Little K is rocking both gymnastics and first grade.

·         BSF is starting back up next week!

·         R decided to join the men’s BSF group!

·         We found a church that we really like that’s only 20 minutes from home!

Things that are on my mind:

·         My sister is having a girl.

·         IF from my work had her baby girl over the holiday weekend.

·         My other coworker’s baby girl turned three months over the holiday weekend.

I am officially obsessed with having a baby boy. Which is weird for me; I am an all-girl mommy. But I really, really want to have a boy right now. I think it’s that I no longer feel unique in my circle. All of my friends are having babies (I’m no longer the only mom) and they are all having girls. I want to be a mom again and I want to feel special. Not that I’m pregnant. Not that R has agreed to even try.

Other things on my mind:

·         The sperm donor process is more expensive than I expected. I really thought shipping was included in the price I was originally quoted! It looks like it will cost us $1200 per cycle (two vials) including the OPKs.

·         Still less than IVF, though.

·         The fertility rep at my office told me she would get my ganirelix and follistim covered in full if we did IVF to the tune of $2000 in savings, knocking shared-IVF down to $10K.

I am so grateful to know that there are people who care about us, especially in this industry. We have already seen a savings by our clinic submitting the cryobank information free of charge. And now free meds for IVF! It would be nice to be able to have a child genetically related to R but $10K is just not available to us, whether cash or loan. Again, not that R has agreed to try.

And a few more:

·         I’m charting for the first time and my cycle looks really weird. I’m nice and even for a few days then see a rise, a HUGE dip, and then back to normal – all within the first two weeks and with no CM to speak of. My cycles are usually 5 weeks and my CM doesn’t kick up until week three. What even?

·         My weird temps and the freakishly short bleed this month have me concerned that I may not be ovulating on a regular basis.

·         The cryobank doesn’t have any kind of payment plan, so I haven’t been able to lock down our donor vials yet.

·         Shared-IVF is only an option until the end of the year, January 2013 at the latest, before I age out of the program.

·         And, of course -say it with me- R hasn’t signed on for any of this.

One more:

·         R feels bad that he can’t give me what I want, which is his agreement about having another child. He feels bad about that and I feel bad for making him feel bad.

I remind him daily that, when it comes down to the wire, I am happy being his wife and Little K’s mom. That’s all I need. Anything else is just a bonus.

So, while Little K was home sick on Friday, I obviously spent the day feeding her popsicles and picking out baby boy gear on the T.arget website. Cause, you know, that’s what you do when you’ve lost your mind.