Tricks, Not Treats

Just a few random things to remind me that I am a work in progress:

I have been sucking on the mommy front the past 24 hours. Little K came home over the weekend with a completely messed up sleep schedule, resulting in a very tired (read: grumpy) little girl. Who requires extra encouragement to get things accomplished. Things like speaking to her father or getting off the toilet. I tickle, I encourage, I prompt… And then I snap and make her cry. *sigh* Tonight’s plan involves dinner, bath, and then bed with a well-watched movie so that she gets back on the proper schedule.

Two women at my office are pregnant. I have known one for about 18 months; she is super sweet and conceived within one month of ditching BCPs. She is due in June. The other is new to me but has been at the company for several years. I learned (by accident) that she and her husband conceived via IVF. She is due in September. They are on the same team at the office and have a good working relationship. I am lucky enough to work with, and genuinely enjoy, them both.

The blow came last night at bible study. One of the questions in our lesson was about praying for things that God doesn’t give us/aligning our desires with God’s will: have we been in a situation where God doesn’t give us what we want and how did we handle it. I offered my answer, sharing just a little bit about my desire for another child and God’s firm “no” to that plan, my prayer for Him to take away the desire and the peace I have felt the past few months.

AND THEN.

I learned -literally minutes later- that one of our group members is newly pregnant.

I am happy for her, truly. She is a very sweet person and has gone through a lot in months since our group started. Once I realized what was going on, it became so obvious. All smiles and giggles… We prayed for health (hers and the baby’s) and peace about the upcoming changes.

To make it just a little bit harder, she and her husband are Chinese.

I don’t remember if I’ve shared with you that my husband is Japanese. One of the things that made me so excited to consider TTC with R was thinking about a dark beauty next to my blonde Little K. I could picture these two girls together perfectly.

Now, in a few months, our group will have a beautiful Asian baby.

And it won’t be mine.

Lame.

I’m sorry to say that this development has brought out just a bit of the crazy. I am exhausted and bloated today: is it early pregnancy symptoms or the fact that Little K had me up three times before midnight? I have increased discharge (ewwwww): is it a sign of implantation or my normal ovulation? I am weepy: is it hormones or stress?

OMG. It is literally impossible for me to be pregnant. WHY IS MY MIND DOING THIS?

It’s not even that I want to be pregnant or have another child anymore. It’s that I know it’s a missed opportunity.

I’m not thinking about a newborn coming into our lives. I’m thinking about the toddler that would be with us now.

Little K would be drawing on the sidewalk with her, showing her how to blow away the dust. Little K would be pushing her on the swing and helping her climb the ladder to the slide. They would cuddle and watch movies on the couch.

Is resignation better than hope? Can it lead to acceptance and resolution?

I hope so, because it’s all I’ve got.