Three Good Things and A Rant

Three good things:

• I accomplished a big work project on Friday
• Saturday was a lot of fun
• I had a surprisingly good conversation with my ex-husband’s wife last night

The rest of this is going to be rant-y. You’ve been warned. Really, it would be better if everyone decided to go look at this instead.

***

There was a brief incident at church yesterday morning that kind of set the tone for the day.

I felt awful all day Sunday. All through church, all through lunch, to the point where I simply laid down on the couch at 1:30 and didn’t get off my butt again until almost 8pm. My stomach ached and I had really bad indigestion. Every time I burped, I threw up a little. I just felt horrible.

When I finally did get up, it was to join R and the boys outside by the fire pit in an attempt to be social. Except, when I went outside, I saw R doing something we had talked about and he told me he would stop doing. So I asked for him to hand me the offending item, went inside to throw it away, and laid back down.

When they came inside 20 minutes later, R and I had a talk about what happened. We don’t fight, it’s just not our style, but we did talk about why it was happening, why it is important to me that it stop, the reasons why we originally decided it needed to stop, the resources we had invested to make it stop, why I am holding him accountable, and the long term impact this can have on R’s health and our family. After, I went back to the couch while R played his computer game for a while. Around 10pm he took a shower and headed to bed.

I, however, stayed on the couch. I still wasn’t feeling great and, since I expended close to zero energy all day, just wasn’t tired. I finally fell asleep on the couch around 1am.

This morning, things felt tense. I felt like R was avoiding me and I was just plain exhausted. We finally connected around 10am and talked a little bit. I never doubt that things will work out but it’s really hard to feel disconnected from your spouse. I feel like he's still keeping his distance from me and I'm too tired to do anything about it.

I’m feeling spent right now. This pregnancy, while not difficult when compared to most women, is harder than my pregnancy with Little K. I’m not used to nausea or indigestion or stomach pain. I’m feeling more worn out physically than I was expecting and it’s effecting my emotional energy and patience.

I know that part of it is Little K being gone. Another part is having the boys here.

Don't get me wrong! I love that R is getting so much time with his kids. Both are well behaved, polite, don't cause any trouble. Originally the trip was going to be four weeks. It’s been six weeks so far and they were going to head out tomorrow but extended their visit by an additional 5 days over the weekend. I'm certainly not going to argue or ask that they leave as scheduled. R only sees them for Summer and Christmas and I'm not about to take that away from him! But I can admit to you ladies that I'm feeling pretty done.

I’m just ready for life to get back to normal. I’m looking forward to a couple of weeks just me and R so we can focus on us and reconnecting. And then I’m looking forward to having my girl back home where she belongs.

The kid in me feels betrayed, but it’s been a long summer: I can’t wait for it to be over.