Exciting, Scared, Prayerful

We’ve been considering IVF.

Well, I’VE been considering IVF. To the point where I’ve already attended a casual consultation with the coordinator at my old clinic, asked questions, prepared a cost spreadsheet, and researched the various options for Surgical Sperm Retrieval (SSR).

R and I have had several discussions over the past few days, most of which come down to the same old thing: I want another child, he doesn’t. The one concession has been that he will spend the next three months seriously considering the idea and trying to come around.

Why the next three months?

Because the treatment being considered is Shared IVF with Egg Donation.

The program goes like this:

We decide to pursue IVF and my profile is made available for selection. A recipient couple selects my profile and the cycle begins. I go through stimulation and retrieval as normal. After retrieval, eggs 1-6 are given to me, eggs 7-19 are given to the recipient, and eggs 20+ are given to me. After that, fertilization and transfer are handled as normal.

The cost savings is about $7000 total.

Part of the good news with this program is that we have seen that I produce far more than 19 eggs per cycle; I believe my lowest count was 23. And we know that my eggs perform well after retrieval, fertilizing, dividing, and hatching well.

The program also includes ICSI, which will be required given that R’s sperm will not be motile from SSR.

So back to the big question – why three months?

Because the cutoff age for egg donors is 31. Once I turn 32, I will officially be too old to be an egg donor anymore.

My birthday is not until March but there would be so much to do (medical screening, profile selection, cycle synchronization, and egg retrieval) that we want as wide a margin as possible. Three months from January to the end of March to get to retrieval means that we need a decision no later than Christmas.

Heck, we need a decision by Halloween.

By… NOW.

Not that it’s any pressure or anything.

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And the honest truth is that I am still unsure of what is best for our family. I was so excited yesterday and this morning that I couldn’t stop smiling and bouncing around. Now I’m terrified of the expense and changes that would come along with treatment and a baby. I just… gah. I will post more on that tomorrow. For now, I want to leave this reminder:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Dear Lord, Thank You for knowing me better than I know myself. More than I want a child, I want to be in alignment with Your will. Hear my wordless sighs and aching groans. Take this desire from me or bring R into alignment with it. Thank You for working all things toward Your good and perfect plan. You are Good. Amen.