Little K came home! We had our Welcome Home party Saturday night and a sleep over on the pullout couch. Sunday was a lazy day with just one burst of errands. While we were out, Little K and I decided to stop in at Home.Goods. and happened upon a Halloween costume too good to pass up:
Looks like dspence isn’t sewing for Halloween this year! Woot!
We made some progress on the conception front since Friday. After talking about donor sperm Friday morning, I went online and settled on a bank that meets our needs and ships to patient homes. We did a few searches and narrowed it down to three. R read through all of the information available and picked a donor that is almost a perfect match. A quick call to our clinic and they agreed to submit the physician’s waiver to the bank free of charge. Did some research on home insemination methods, found one that we are comfortable with. Picked up a basal thermometer to begin charting. Got a coupon for 50% off our total purchase of store-brand products at our drug store, so we can purchase several ovulation prediction kits and pregnancy tests for almost nothing.
And in the midst of all of that, R and I are continuing to have conversations about whether or not to even have a child. The things that are tugging on me right now:
· I turned 31 in March.
· I had a brush with cancer in June.
· Our family of four was knocked back to a family of three in August.
· We now have a bedroom that could become the nursery.
· R is finalizing a deal today that will pay off all of our credit card debt.
Another reason is that our adult time (our time alone while the kids visit their other parents during Christmas, Spring, and Summer breaks) is gone now that SSA lives in SC. That means that he’ll be with us for the majority of the time that Little K is in FL. One of the arguments against another child is that we will lose those quiet months...
The reasons why we shouldn’t have a child:
· R is resigned to another child, rather than excited.
· Our daycare of choice is $1K/month.
· We would move from being “comfortable” financially to being basically paycheck to paycheck.
I just don’t know. From our talks this weekend, R has given me tacit approval to move forward with insemination. He has spoken about genetics not being important, about how he would be the child’s father no matter what. He understands my reasons for wanting another child. We had a talk about tell/don’t tell on the donor sperm issue. Even went so far as to discuss whether to try this coming cycle or wait until the next so that the chart is clearer! You would think I’d be nothing but excited right now!
I think I was able to isolate it this morning: When R is vehemently against having a child, I can be vehemently for the idea without any repercussions. I would never move forward without his approval. Now that he’s relenting, the decision is in my hands. And I hate making big decisions. It would be so much easier if a switch flipped and he was supportive and excited…
So, for right now, I’m just waiting and praying. I started temping, just so I can get used to it. My period has been MIA for eight weeks as of tomorrow, so the numbers don’t really mean anything at this point. I am starting to spend dedicated time each day in scripture and prayer, focusing on whether or not to move forward with this. My clinic will email us once they have submitted the form. I’m going to contact the bank to ask about financing so we could buy two vials instead of one for the first cycle.
Just waiting for God to move.
And for my period to start.
Lord, More than I want a child, I want to be aligned with Your will. Please help me to quiet my own wants so that I can hear You more clearly. In Your name I pray, Amen.