Scattered, Smothered, and Covered

This whole post may seem rather scattered and, really, that’s exactly how I’m feeling – scattered. My mind is all over the place right now.

Today marks exactly eight weeks since my last period. And I have no spotting and no positive pregnancy test. My thoughts are that the trauma of surgery and then stress of planning two baby showers delayed ovulation. But what if I’ve stopped ovulating entirely…

I had a dream last night that I went to my center to pick up the donor sperm and, while I was there, my coordinator offered a free ultrasound so we could make sure I was about to ovulate. She stuffed the wand in, took a quick look, and said, “Did you know that you’re already pregnant?”

*sigh*I can’t wait for my period to start.

(A quick story: R bought a new truck yesterday and told me that he’s going to wait to name it until we have a baby, that way we can use the leftover baby name for the truck. His example was having a little girl and letting me know that he was taking Abby (the baby) for a ride with Aaron (the truck). He’s coming around more and more every day!)

I’ve never been on this side of the equation before – actually planning for a baby. Little K just sort of popped up one day and it was “Wow! We’re having a baby!” Now here I am discussing things like “What would be the best time to be pregnant” and “What is the best month to give birth?”

Of course, I know that’s fertile talk. I’ve heard enough stories of women in the IF community talk about the coworker who decides when they want the baby to be born, try one time exactly nine months prior, and BAM! Baby times. And no one likes those super fertile coworkers.

Doesn’t everyone start off that way, though? At least, in some form? You start your journey expecting to conceive right away. You either don’t know -or don’t believe- that you could experience problems conceiving. You start out fully expecting that you have sex and then get a baby. That’s it.

I’ve read the statistics about donor sperm. I know that it takes an average of four cycles to become pregnant with home insemination. But, if that’s the average, that means that *some* conceive faster. Some actually do conceive the first time. And I want to believe that I can be that one.

But I know that there’s a 75% chance that I won’t. And there’s always the chance that it won’t work at all…

I want to be pregnant right away but the budget tells us that we would have the money saved up to cover the hospital stay and two months of maternity leave by September 2013. Subtract nine and we’ll probably try the first time in December/January. Of course, the pessimistic side of me says that, if it won’t work the first time anyway, we should go ahead and try in August/September so that the failed cycle is out of the way. And, if we do try right away, maybe just order one vial so that it’s less money down the drain.

(But what if it works? We won’t have the funds together and our family will go back into debt. GAH!)

Part of me understands that I know too much. Like I said, Little K just sort of happened! If I had never learned of the IF community, I would just plan on cycling once in January and have a baby in the fall. Done. Now I know that I’m not getting any younger, that miscarriages happen, and that someone has to land on the wrong side of the statistics.

My only experiences have been fertile but I know that infertility can show up at any time.

I have labeled myself as experiencing “situational secondary infertility” because of R’s vasectomy. But what is “situational” becomes “actual” secondary infertility? What happens then? Is it worth it to put our family and finances through more invasive treatment? R is turning 50 in a few years. Little K is already closing in on seven years old. And 35 is just a handful of years away for me.

I’m afraid of failure, so I want to try right away so that we can know whether or not it will work.

I’m afraid of success, so I want to wait until the finances are squared away before we try.

I’m afraid that we are overstepping God’s will for our family by pursuing a pregnancy.

I’m afraid that we already overstepped God’s will by getting the vasectomy in the first place.

I’m afraid that our time for growing our family has already run out.

I wish that we were able to just experience an “oops!” pregnancy again.

Lord, Take my fear and replace it with Your peace. Help us to continually seek Your will and be at peace with the result. In Your name I pray, Amen.