Tuesday Confession: Jealousy

Note: This post is not directed at anyone. If you are carrying twins, I am excited for you, rejoicing with you, and praying for healthy full-term babies! Praise God for your pregnancy and the life carried inside you!

I've been struggling for a while with jealousy. It feels ungrateful to desire something more than what I have right now. I mean, we prayed for YEARS about expanding our family, left the result in the Lord's hand with a one-time shot, and here I am. Pregnant. After only a 20% chance of conception and using frozen rather than fresh sperm.

I'm pregnant.

Not only pregnant, but experiencing an uneventful pregnancy. No serious complications or bleeding. Nothing to be terribly concerned about. Just going through life and enjoying this pregnancy.

But there are times when I get bummed. When I get jealous. When I struggle with how the Lord has planned for our family to look, to be.

I expected to be pregnant with twins.

Even when I'm bouncing with joy for the (recently, many) ALI twin pregnancy announcements, there's a tug on my heart that wonders "why wasn't it me?" I mean, not only did we use Clomid. Not only is my father a twin. Not only did I have four mature follicles for our IUI... I also really thought that the Lord had given my friend a prophetic vision of our family. Twins, one boy and one girl.

But that wasn't God's plan for us.

I know, both on paper and through all of the loss here in our community, that two heartbeats doesn't guarantee two babies. I know that twin pregnancies really are high risk and should not be taken lightly. I know that, with a few exceptions, you're looking at preterm birth at the least and pregnancy loss at the worst. I know all of these things.

But I really expected that we would have two baby A's in there, not one.

R is always quick to point out to me that I need to be thankful for the one, healthy baby we have growing. I remind myself that we left ALL of this in the Lord's hands and so I can trust that this one child is exactly who our family needs to be complete. I think about R's age, Little K's personality, our finances, and how a singleton really does make more sense for our lives.

Sometimes, though, I get down. I get a flare of jealousy when another ALI mom posts an ultrasound of two white smudges. I worry that I sinned myself out of Aaron's twin. I worry that he will grow up lonely with a sister that is eight years older than him...

I'm not proud of my reaction but I'm not afraid to admit it, either. Continuing to trust in the Lord and turn my heart and thoughts over to Him every day.

I'm learning that infertility is a pain that doesn't end with pregnancy. No matter the severity of your diagnosis, no matter the length of your journey.

The burden that built up takes more than a positive pregnancy test to shed.