I started writing this at 12:20 AM on Thursday, April 17th.
Exactly six weeks ago, we pulled into the driveway with a brand new, less than six hour old baby boy. Ours to keep, ours to love and ours to lead to Christ. He slept the whole way home. We sat on the couch until 2:00 AM, taking turns with my parents holding our sweet boy and marveling at God's goodness.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I'm here in the same room six weeks later, overflowing with love and thankfulness. God is so good, so much better than I deserve. I have screwed up so many times in my life but He continues to show me grace and forgiveness. The added blessing of this little life to nurture is more than I can understand.
He finally fell asleep at midnight after a rough evening. I went to karate and Little Buddy fussed for his daddy the entire time I was gone, refusing a bottle and crying the whole time. He, of course, quieted down the moment he was put to my breast again. Poor R was/is burned out from the hour they spent together. I know he feels terrible about how that time went down.
R was everything to SSA growing up, sole care-giver and provider. He gave the bottles and changed the diapers and rocked him to sleep. But here I am, doing so many of those things myself for Little Buddy. I'm afraid R doesn't feel bonded to Little Buddy or that he resents having him here because it's not the idyllic infanthood R remembers with SSA. I worry that he resents me for breastfeeding and co-sleeping because Little Buddy associates me with food, comfort, and rest. I worry that he blames me for wanting another child. I worry that he feels less-than or connects this current situation to us using a donor. I worry that he is experiencing postpartum depression for dads.
But I know we will get through this. Little Buddy will eventually learn how to take a bottle. R will be able to provide more and more of his care as time goes on. And, knowing we trusted the Lord with the outcome of our IUI, I can trust that our family will come through this time intact and stronger than ever.
I'm bowing my head in prayer, kissing his wispy hair poking out of the Moby wrap that Little Buddy is currently sleeping in. Lord, please help us. Help Aaron and Roger figure out their time alone together. Help Roger interpret Aaron's needs and cues. Give Roger signs and assurances that Aaron needs him and loves him. Help Aaron learn to take a bottle. Bond my boys together and let their time alone be a blessing for them both. And Lord, please, help us all get some sleep.
Six weeks ago, I fell asleep sitting up with this sweet new life in my arms. I can't believe I'm so lucky that I get to do it again tonight.
God is so good.