Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Different Kind of Loss

The comments on Mel’s Cold Peace post have struck a chord with me. “Wait!” you may be thinking, “dspence hasn’t experienced pregnancy loss!” And you would be right. But the comments have me thinking about loss and our children.

Specifically, the children we have from previous relationships.

When I married Little K’s father, I had dreams for our life together. It would be both true and a massive understatement to say that things did not work out like I planned.

By the time everything blew apart (and oh, how it blew apart…), all I wanted was to be away from him. But I will never be away from him, at least, not fully.

Because we have a child together, our lives will forever be connected.

Do I wish I had never married him?

Do I wish I had never had children with him?

These are questions that are impossible to answer. Little K is the most wonderful thing in my world. She is smart, precocious, sweet, strong-willed, musical, loving, and outgoing in a way that I have never been. Don’t get me wrong, she is also blunt, argumentative, non-compliant, and frustrating. But that’s because she is a child and still learning.

But she is perfect and she is mine. I wouldn’t trade her –this specific child- for anything. I do believe I have the daughter I was meant to have and that she has the mother who was meant for her.

I look at my life now and know that I would not have it if not for Little K. It was her father’s actions during the first year of Little K’s life that finally caused me to take steps to leave him. It was Little K’s need for a defender and protector that made me shake off my tolerance. It was Little K’s very existence that caused R to propose. It was Little K’s need for a stable and loving home that taught me how to be a Godly wife. By being Little K’s mother, I have become strong, patient, and kind.

Being her mother –this specific child’s mother- has made me a better person.

There are times I do mourn. I mourn my naivety. I mourn my actions during my first marriage. I mourn the fact that I am a divorcee. I mourn the fact that this situation has hurt Little K. I mourn the fact that I am now in the position of not having more children.

But I can’t just say “I wish I had never married him” or “I wish I had never had a child with him” because then I wouldn’t have her.

And I am so thankful that she –this specific child- is mine.

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