Fail

I did not make it through NaBloPoMo or IComLeavWe. My apologies to all of you who did not receive comments! I will try, so very hard, to do better next time.

More to come on the current donor cycle and gestational carrier situation. Stay tuned!

Quiet

No word from the center today. I am anxious to hear whether or not the IPs want to meet us.

I had another breakthrough this afternoon. I met some new friends for lunch and one of them was watching a 10 month old girl for the day. I immediately offered my lap and was rewarded with baby cuddles. The strange thing was that the usual baby hunger didn't appear during or after this interaction; I was happy to hand her back over and go about my adult day.

Another step in the right direction!

Tomorrow

I received the calendar for my next donor cycle this afternoon and am starting BCPs in the morning. Retrieval tentatively scheduled for December 15th. Tomorrow is also the day the IPs are coming into the center to view my profile.

I would appreciate your prayers over the next few days.

Peace of Heaven

One of the sets of IPs (intended parents) is coming into the center on Thursday to view my profile. Even with our concerns about the possibility of carrying, I am peaceful right now. When the situation comes to mind, I am reminded that God will make the decision clear.

If these people come into our lives, I would like them to become lifelong friends. I am not hoping for attention or continued thanks for the part I played. I do not want to pour out parenting advice or intrude in any way. We will have shared an amazing journey; only the four of us will really know what it was like to be together during this time. I hope that it will be the first of many memories we make together.

Please continue to pray, both my husband and I and the IPs. This cannot be an easy road for them to travel. I am hoping that the choice of carrier is an easy one, for all of us.

Wisdom from Little K

Last night, I asked Little K what she thought about the idea of her Mommy keeping another Mommy's baby in her tummy until it was grown up enough to go home. After thinking for a minute, Little K replied:

"I would be sad that the baby didn't get to come home with us but I would be happy that we helped the other Mommy."

I think that sums it up nicely. We have decided to allow the center to share my profile with the intended parents. Sharing my profile does not gaurantee that they will want to move forward with us; nothing is set in stone until a contract is signed. I believe that, on our end, clarity will come with meeting the intended parents and large amounts of prayer afterward.

We are releasing this to God's hands. If we are supposed to move forward, He will make it clear.

If these IPs do not choose us, I will be taking my profile off the list. I do not want to be faced with this decision again.

Gestational Carrier

(Full disclosure: this post was not edited by Becomingbrina.)

I was contacted by another department from my center today. In early January, before my baby hunger kicked into high gear, I completed my application to be a gestational carrier through my center. My husband and I passed the psych screening, and my profile was placed in the pool for viewing by intended parents.

Two sets of intended parents are searching for a carrier and the coordinator wanted to make sure I was still on board before releasing my profile to them. I have to admit, my response was stunned silence. I decided to have my profile taken down a few weeks ago but hadn't contacted the coordinator yet to do so. Considering my struggle with SIF over the past six months, I am not sure what to tell her.

The number one concern is my emotional well-being during and after the pregnancy. Will my desire for another child make this experience unmanageable, painful, or damaging. I experienced mild postpartum depression after Little K was born and R is concerned about my reaction after birth when we don't get a take-home baby.

Other concerns are for our family. Little K is young enough that she could be hurt by the experience of having her mother out of commission if I am put on bed rest and may not understand why we cannot keep the baby. There is also SSA to consider; he is just turning 13 and questions about the situation may be embarrassing for him.

In all honesty, there is also the superficial side of me that is not sure if I want to test the resiliency of my thirty year old body.

I told the coordinator that I would call her with an answer tomorrow. I do not want to give these IPs hope and then pull out at the last minute. Prayers for clarity, honesty, and peace would be very welcome.