In Shock

Forty-six embryos were created yesterday! Forty-six! I have never felt so amazed or more honored to be an egg donor.

My doctor and my coordinator came to check on me in recovery on Wednesday. The doctor took the time to discuss the high numbers with me, R, and our coordinator. We spoke about the warning signs of OHSS, the medications he was prescribing to offset it, and what we'll do different next time to keep the numbers down. After speaking with him, I feel confident that I am receiving the best care possible and that I am more than an egg producer: I am a patient.

Yes, I said next time. When my coordinator contacted me about this last cycle, she mentioned that she had just turned someone down since this was number six. When I heard that, I felt absolutely awful. Someone was suffering with infertility, gave up the dream of having genetic children to pursue donor gametes, struggled with choosing a donor, and we turned them down? I was sick at the thought.

I emailed my coordinator, letting her know that I understood the guidelines for six cycles max but asking if we could honor this recipient's choice. She agreed to speak to the doctor's about it and, surprisingly, they agreed!

My coordinator wants me to complete one natural cycle before we start stimming, so my FINAL final cycle will begin in February 2012. Here we go again!

Fertilization Report

I received an email from my center this afternoon. Of the 55 eggs retrieved, 48 were mature, resulting in an even split to the two recipients. Of the 24 eggs each recipient received, 23 eggs fertilized. The next update I can expect from my coordinator will let me know if one or both have a doubling beta.

Dear recipients, I hope and pray you are sharing good news with your family by New Year's Eve.

As for me, I am doing well. My abdomen has begun to swell slightly, although it's nothing like last time. I received an additional shot of Ganirelix last night and will begin taking half a tab of Cabergoline tonight for eight days. Due to the intense swelling I experienced last time, I decided to invest in a bella band for this cycle. It's a good thing, too, because I doubt I'll be able to button my pants for work tomorrow. Ah, the joys of post-retrieval. *sigh*

Oh! And I broke the soft/liquid fast with this amazing meal, prepared by me while perched on a bar stool (since I am currently unable to stand for long periods of time):

Asparagus Risotto with White Wine-Garlic Glazed Chicken, Stuffed with Mild Italian Sausage. YUM!

Retrieval Day, Part 2

Retrieval went well!

My IV went in on the first try (thank you, sports drink!!) and my nap was delightful. We retrieved an amazing 55 eggs and I received some additional medications to stave off OHSS. I've been feeling great this afternoon and experiencing a minimum amount of spotting. The soft/liquid diet will continue today and possibly tomorrow.

Thank you all for your prayers. Now back to bed for me!

Retrieval Day!

Retrieval is scheduled for 10:00 AM this morning. R and I are leaving the house in 15 minutes to head to the center. I have taken a different approach in preparing myself for surgery this morning:

Constipation: I have been on a soft/liquid diet for the past 24 hours and will continue for the rest of today. I will continue to take the stool softener I started during my last retrieval.

Pain Management: I try not to take additional narcotic pain medication once I get home, due to the side effects. I am hoping to get by on ibprofen and my rice heating pad.

Hydration: I get dehydrated at the drop of a hat, which has made inserting the IV extremely difficult the last two retrievals. Last night I stayed up late drinking 36 ounces of reduced-sugar sports drink. I am hoping for good results!

Nervousness: As many times as I do this, I still get nervous the morning of retrieval. See "Hydration" above! This morning, rather than accompanying R in dropping the kids off at school, I stayed home and did my Bible study (BSF: Acts of the Apostles, Lesson 14). I am already feeling more calm.

So, there you have it. Your prayers are appreciated and I will try to update this afternoon. Thank you for being with me today!

Three

I am R’s third wife.

The first time R got married, he was 18 years old and fresh out of high school. As he puts it, he was in heat and being married meant consequence-free sex. Around age 23, he and his wife visited a fertility specialist and found an issue with her fallopian tubes. They decided not to pursue further treatment at that time. Four years later, he found her in bed with another man and they divorced.

At age 30, R met a woman during a weekend away. They parted ways and she called a few weeks later, telling him she was pregnant. They got married immediately and divorced 28 months later. Two boys were born during their relationship.

R spent the next ten years raising one of the boys as a single father. Toward the end of those ten years, we met, he became a Christian, and we were eventually married. We celebrated our third wedding anniversary two weeks ago.

There are times when it just kills me. At age 23, even though he was not ready for children, he cared enough about his first wife to visit a specialist and get some answers. I’ve asked him before about those trips to the doctor. About why they were there, what tests were run, and why they chose not to pursue treatment. He is so pragmatic, my husband:

“We went because because all of our friends were having kids.”

“They took her into a room and handed me a cup.”

“We didn’t have the money for treatment and I wasn’t ready yet.”

She eventually remarried and adopted two children.

For the second wife, R tells me that God blessed him with two beautiful boys but cursed him by having them with a woman he couldn’t stand. I have met her when we drop SSA off for the summer. She and I don’t have much in common, but she is nice enough and obviously loves her boys. She eventually remarried and had another two children with her second husband. All four are good kids and seem at peace with their family’s situation.

And then there’s me.

Wife number three.

Mother of one beautiful almost-six year old. Step-mother to two teenage boys.

And the one woman R has been married to who he hasn’t tried or succeeded to conceive with.

Sometimes I think, “Why did he try to have children with number one but won’t try with me? Why did he have a second with number two, who he doesn’t even like, but won’t have one with me? What’s wrong with me?”

Let me tell you that the Enemy has some great answers to these questions. The Enemy tells me that he tried with number one because he loved her most. That he won’t try with me because number one broke him. That he had kids with number two because she was more seductive than I am. That R would be disgusted with my pregnant body and leave me before the baby was born. That I would fail to get back in shape after the pregnancy and he would never be intimate with me again.

Our weaknesses and insecurities are the Enemy’s playground. What is the Enemy trying to tell me? That I will never be good enough, that I am unlovable, that a man would only want me for my body, and that R is waiting for any excuse to bail out.

Each and every one of those is a lie.

R tells and shows me daily how much he loves me. And I choose to believe him. I rest on the strength of God’s promises and faithfulness. I threw down the fleece (more on that another time) and God answered; I can step out daily in love and trust.

It's just easier when I’m not ramped up on hormones. Only one more injection before retrieval. Thank goodness.

Cycle Day: 13

Estrogen: 3500+

Follicle Measurements: 15m to 18m

Dosage: Trigger Tonight

Retrieval: CD15

Baby Crazy: 7/8

That Escalated Quickly

Things that have made me cry today:

Casting Crowns, The Voice of Truth via The Zen of the Egg Hunt
I want to listen and believe the Voice of truth. It's just so hard when the Voice is telling you exactly what you don't want to hear.

Eggs in a Row
"I know he wants to be a daddy, but I didn’t realize how much." I want that.

Four of a Kind: "I hope that wherever this post finds you today that you are able to move from focusing so much on life's "what ifs" to make the most of "what is" in your life and family."
These donor hormones make it so hard to block out the "what ifs."

I even made myself cry.
It is easy for me to be jealous when I hear about people who have the opportunity to pursue pregnancy but it never really is a sure thing.

Two songs are playing in dissonance inside my head, each powerful and each with my whole heart. Maybe, maybe.

Maybe This Time, Cabaret
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before
Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

Blessings, Laura Story
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Baby Crazy: Easily a seven.

Silence

I arrived at 7:31 AM this morning, but the elevator was still locked. I joined eight other women and one man by the elevator, waiting for the keypad to blink, announcing that we were open for business. I glance around the group of women, all avoiding eye contact with each other. The thought crosses my mind to break the silence, but instead I pull out my phone and check email. If they want to remain anonymous, I will let them.

I enter the clinic at 7:35, add my name to the sign-in sheet, and have a seat. Glancing around the room, I see that each woman has taken a seat away from everyone else. Somehow, with only 10 bodies, we have filled the entire waiting room. Some read, others play with their phones, and the only break from silence is the nurse calling us back.

I am finally shown to a room by my least favorite nurse at 7:52. I am already heading to the restroom when she asks me if I need to use it. Yes, I think, I know the drill. Instead I nod my affirmative and let myself in.

As I sit down, I notice that the woman on the other side of the door has left her pants, shoes, and jacket in the room. I remember those boots from the waiting room, camel-colored Uggs with fleece lining. There were two women with those shoes, one my age and the other slightly older. “I wonder which one,” I think.

As I wash my hands, I think about that woman. About how she gets the chance to become pregnant and how I’m jealous. “Donor hormones are kicking in again,” I think. As I fold my pants and hide my panties, I wonder about whether or not to try this cycle. “R’s sperm count was never verified after his vasectomy and maybe this is the cycle…”

I pull the paper sheet over my lap and take out my phone, figuring I’ll read a few blogs as I wait. I hear a noise and think it’s my doctor coming in, but it is the restroom door locking. Then a gulping noise and the tears start. I hear her sobbing and pulling paper towels out of the holder. I want so badly to knock on the door, to offer her a hug and to hold her. I don’t want her to be alone.

Just a minute later, my doctor comes in and invites me to lie back as she readies the wand. She asks me about my upcoming weekend as we both pretend not to hear the woman crying on the other side of the wall. I put my feet in the stirrups and pray that she doesn’t have to go to work, that she can just head home.

By the time I make it to the lab, there are no Uggs. She has already left and I have no way to find her.

Whoever you are, I am praying for you. I hope you are not alone today. I hope the next one works.

Cycle Day: 10

Estrogen: 1500

Follicle Measurements: 10m to 12m range

Dosage: 150 Follistim, 1 vial Menopur, 1 Ganirelix pre-filled syringe

Estimate retrieval date: CD15

Baby Crazy (1=least, 10=most): 5

The More You Know

There are times when it makes me laugh and others when it makes me shake my head. At this stage of the game, I know:

How to do my injections in less than 4 minutes.

To set multiple alarms and reminders on my phone for appointments and shots.

To request the large Sharps container over the small one and keep it through multiple cycles.

To drink a full bottle of water during my drive to the clinic and to finish it 10 minutes before my scan.

Which phlebotomist to request in the lab.

To bring a sweater or wrap to the clinic for the waiting room.

To keep my phone handy when I’m in the stirrups, just in case I have to wait.

To wear a liner everyday during a cycle.

How to estimate my retrieval date based on my CD8 scan.

Apparently the one thing I don’t know how to do is insist that I receive my Ganirelix syringes on CD8, even if the doctor doesn’t think I will need them until my next appointment. I now have to make another trip downtown before Thursday night. *sigh*

Cycle Day: 8

Estrogen: 601

Dosage: 150 Follistim, 1 vial Menopur, add Ganirelix pre-filled syringe CD9.

Estimate retrieval date: CD15

Baby Crazy (1=least, 10=most): 3*

*I did experience a split-second hope of seeing a yolksac during this morning’s ultrasound. Uterus’ contents = none.

Doctor Google

Let me begin by saying that everything is fine.

I attended my baseline scan for the upcoming donor cycle yesterday. My lining looks excellent and I should expect my period to begin tomorrow. My right ovary was deigned beautiful and ready to rock. The surprise came with my left ovary, which showed an oversize follicle when compared with my current cycle day. The measurements were 7mm x 12mm, which put it small enough not to be a problem for the cycle but large enough to wonder what was up. It was then when my nurse used a scary word, cyst, and said that they would call me with my estrogen levels to confirm the status.

Commence, and immediately regret, Googling.

The first piece of good news was this: I did not find any reports about repeated egg donations causing ovarian cysts, malignant or otherwise.

The second piece of good news came late afternoon when I received a call from my clinic, stating that my estrogen is at 47.6. This tells us that this is not an estrogen producing cyst and is most likely a lazy follicle that has not finished returning to its normal size following my latest donation. We are still a go to start stims on Saturday and will schedule additional ultrasounds following retrieval to make sure my follicles return to normal.

So, really, good news and nothing serious to worry about.

Other things have failed to return to normal lately, namely my weight and my menstrual cycle. My weight creeps up by a pound or five during a cycle and seems to hold on to one or two each time. I am currently up 10 pounds from my first donation. Boooo! My menstrual cycles are lengthening as well, stretching out from my usual five weeks to seven weeks. Although my total eggs retrieved each cycle continues to be in the 20’s, my body is definitely slowing down.

So, there you go. Here’s our lineup this cycle:

First BCP: 11/15/11

Last BCP: 11/29/11

Begin Stims: 12/3/11

Dosage: Evenings only, 150 IU Follistim with 1 Vial Menopur

Add prefilled Ganirelix around 12/7/11.

Estimated Retrieval: 12/14/11

The Reason

(This post was scheduled for last week but, due to the carrier situation, was delayed. Enjoy!)

I’ve been questioning my reasons for blogging about SIF. In my case, the situation is of my own making. I am not trying to martyr myself by saying, “I did it for my husband but oh, my poor broken heart.” I am not trying to stir up drama by saying, “Yes, I agreed to this but I didn’t really mean it.”

My head understands the reasoning that led us to this decision. Our household budget would be stretched very thin if we were to have another child. Our home and vehicles are not large enough for a family of five (or six, depending on the time of year). Our at-home children are used to being only-children due to our late marriage and their age difference. My husband is in his mid-forties with two teenage sons; his heart and mind are closer to retirement stage than the new parent stage. Our lifestyle allows us to parent our children throughout the year, and provides us with six weeks each summer to enjoy a belated newlywed period.

All of these things continue to hold true. My mind knows that they are valid and important. My heart, however, continues to fluctuate and the “if’s” start rolling in.

IF we didn’t have any debt, we could afford a larger home and car.

IF we had conceived when I first mentioned it, the age difference between the children would not be so large.

IF I had held out longer, R could have changed his mind.

But none of these is concrete. Even without debt, our budget could not support a larger mortgage or second car payment. Even if we had conceived right away, Little K and the baby would still have been born four years apart. Even if I had held out, R made up his mind on this subject eight years before he met me.

There is one if that never comes up: IF I hadn’t married R, I would have another child by now. Before I married R, I didn’t want another child; I wanted it to stay Little K and me forever. Even when I was married to Little K’s father, I didn’t want more children.

The reality is, IF I hadn’t married R, I would be without my great love, and Little K would be without a father (figure) who adores her.

So why am I blogging about it?

The desire for a child isn’t driven by my rational mind but by my emotions, memories, imagination, and hormones.

My emotions tell me that R is a wonderful father and Little K would be an amazing big sister.

My memories tell me that my pregnancy was wonderful and remind me that I did not have the opportunity to raise a child from birth in a healthy marriage.

My imagination shows me a picture of a beautiful baby and a larger family.

And my hormones remind me over and over that this is what my body was made for and I’m not getting any younger and OMG look at that adorable baby SQUEEEEE!

I’ve noticed that, since starting Donating Hope, I’m having more good days than bad. It is such a relief to release these thoughts and feelings. Express, don’t repress, right?

Looks like I’ll be sticking around for a while.

Tomorrow

I received the calendar for my next donor cycle this afternoon and am starting BCPs in the morning. Retrieval tentatively scheduled for December 15th. Tomorrow is also the day the IPs are coming into the center to view my profile.

I would appreciate your prayers over the next few days.

The Three-Letter Word

There are three people on this earth that I can talk to about sex: my husband, my sister, and my best friend. Put me in front of anyone else and my face goes red while my mouth snaps shut. I had to be distracted with a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle while my mother gave me “the talk” because I couldn’t look at her while she spoke about that.

This makes it difficult when your daughter starts asking questions about human reproduction.

Luckily, my mother swooped in to save the day. She gave Little K words to use by telling her that the woman has the egg, the man has the seed, they put them together and a baby is made. Which, for a five year old, is just enough information. As she gets older, I will need to get over myself and positively educate her about her body, sexuality, and how to protect herself until she is ready to start a family.

I will also share information with her regarding reproductive assistance.

Reproductive education does not seem to get much positive attention. Many schools tell our children how easy it is to become pregnant, so “you better not have sex.” The reality is that it’s not that easy. I want my daughter to understand what infertility is, what it means, and what courses of treatment are available, if needed.

I do my best to encourage people to assess their fertility before they start trying to conceive in order to be prepared, should they encounter problems. If you are a woman, make sure to visit your gynecologist annually and spend time charting your menstrual cycle. If you are a man, have your prostate examined and meet with an urologist.

Now, please excuse me: I’m off to gag in the corner at the thought of my little girl growing up and having sex.

Thinking Under the Influence

Of hormones.

Driving to the RE’s office for my latest retrieval, I realized how ironic it is that a woman who craves another baby has donated genetic material to six families. I shudder to think what I would have said if I came to that conclusion after they gave me the drugs…

Want vs. Need

I want to sleep in but I need to be on time for work.

I want to go on a trip but I need to save my vacation days in case the kids get sick.

I want a new dress but I need to buy groceries.

I want another child but I need to respect my husband’s decision.

Those first three seem reasonable, don’t they? They are about responsibility: being an adult and making wise choices for our family. I have the opportunity to actively make choices: get up, go to work, buy groceries.

So why does this last one rub some people the wrong way?

When I make a choice to sacrifice my desires regarding actions or spending for the benefit of our family, I am seen as responsible. But often it seems that when I, as a wife, choose to prayerfully submit to my husband’s desires, red flags go up.

I’m afraid that assumptions are being made: that my husband is seen as domineering, not respecting me, or “putting his foot down,” when in reality, we spent months agonizing and praying over this decision.

Our pastor challenged my husband to open his heart to another child and challenged me to find peace with our current family. He opened my husband’s eyes to my youth and desire to be a mother; he opened my eyes to my husband’s age and desire to be an empty-nester.

No ultimatums were given; no timeline was set. We talked until there was nothing left unsaid and prayed until one of us felt at peace with the other’s desire.

It just so happened that that person was me.

My husband wants his wife to have the desires of her heart but needs to be done having children. I want children to love and want my husband to be at peace.

As it turned out, I was the one who could do both.

Sarah’s Laughter

Sarah’s Laughter is an organization that offers support to those struggling with infertility and/or infant loss, and I came across their website while researching materials for a Christian infertility support group.

As an author and provider of daily e-devotionals called “Daily Double Portion,” Beth Forbus has been a source of comfort and inspiration. I am looking forward to the opportunity to obtain a copy of her book, “Baby Hunger,” and newly published Bible study, “Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says about Your Baby Hunger.”

In the meantime, I would like to share two excerpts from October’s Daily Double Portion emails:

Sarah’s Laughter: Daily Double Portion 10-25-11

“Hear Jesus, the friend who really is closer to you than a brother, as He reminds you, I am with you always. With you at work. With you at home. With you when you find out someone else is pregnant. With you when you find out you’re not. I am with you always.”

Sarah’s Laughter: Daily Double Portion 10-21-11

“Don’t let your connection to Jesus Christ become severed during your struggle with infertility.”

I am so grateful to know that I am not alone. The desire for a child can be isolating, especially since my husband and I have already made the decision to not pursue treatment.

When the baby-cravings are at their worst, God hears me.

When I speak to my husband about those feelings, He softens my husband’s heart so he can hear me without being offended or hurt, and gives me words that do not cast blame or assign guilt.

When I don’t know how or what to pray, the Holy Spirit “does [my] praying in and for [me], making prayer out of [my] wordless sighs, [my] aching groans.”

In answer to my prayers for another child, I have continually found myself pointed back to our current family:

I have a work schedule that allows me to spend more time with my daughter, and a husband who helps create exactly the family life I’ve always desired for her; I am learning how to better connect with my stepson and show affection to him; and God has been good to us, giving my husband the flexibility to know that I desire another child and the wisdom to understand that this is not a grudge I bear in our relationship.

As God provides His answer, I’m learning to let go.

When Infertility Isn’t Medical

Spoiler Alert: I am a Grey’s Anatomy junkie.

On Grey’s Anatomy, Owen Hunt and Christina Yang are married. Christina has been very clear since the beginning of their relationship that she does not want children. Owen, on the other hand, wants children and hopes that Christina will change her mind. When she unexpectedly becomes pregnant, he pressures her to carry the child, thinking that this is their chance to become a family. The situation escalates, causing her to move out of their home for a time. Eventually Owen supports Christina’s decision to end the pregnancy and she moves back home.

When my husband and I were courting, he was very clear that he did not want to have more children. And at the time, I felt the same. But my heart changed once we were married - seeing my husband interact with my daughter was eye-opening and, suddenly, I yearned to have a child with this man.

But what about his heart?

Although he loves my daughter, my husband still does not want more children. After a year of discussion, prayer, and pastoral counseling, we jointly came to a decision, and my husband got a vasectomy. Factors ranged from my husband’s age, to the ages of our combined children, to our financial situation. In the end, I prayerfully chose my husband over another child, respecting his feelings related to the size of our family.

But that doesn’t mean the desire went away. Two years have passed and I am continually reminded that I will not become pregnant. As I wrap another donor cycle, I wonder about the outcome for this woman who has both the desire and opportunity to carry a child. My jealousy flares up as friends announce their pregnancies and the tears flow when I watch Julie & Julia or Up. Conversations with my husband become baby-centric and prayer becomes my refuge.

When does it stop?

In Grey’s, Owen continues to struggle with his competing desires to have children and respect his wife’s decision. Who knows where they will end up when the series wraps? As for me, I know where I will be: in my husband’s arms. What blessing would be found in another child if I didn’t have this wonderful man to raise it with me?

Awkward Introductions

How would you feel if you knew your egg donor wanted more children? Would you be afraid? Hurt? Would you choose another donor? Or would you offer her compassion and understanding?

This is my journal.

I am proud to be an anonymous egg donor. I love knowing that I have given six women hope; that I have contributed to six growing families. When I first read about the infertile community in 2005, I prayed about how I could help, and this has been an answer to my prayer.

I have another prayer that has not been answered, at least not the way I would like.

Two years ago, my husband and I agreed to his vasectomy. I continue to struggle with this decision: the hope and desire for another child haven’t gone away.

The women who have brought me into their reproductive cycle have turned to donor gametes because their desire for a child is so strong; throughout treatment, they cling to hope because their heart tells them that their family is not complete.

Maybe we’re more alike than I thought.