Thinking Under the Influence

Of hormones.

Driving to the RE’s office for my latest retrieval, I realized how ironic it is that a woman who craves another baby has donated genetic material to six families. I shudder to think what I would have said if I came to that conclusion after they gave me the drugs…

Multi-Cultural

When I was pregnant with Little K, Hedwig was my jam. You’ve never lived till you’ve seen an eight month pregnant chick rocking out to Wig in a Box.

Want vs. Need

I want to sleep in but I need to be on time for work.

I want to go on a trip but I need to save my vacation days in case the kids get sick.

I want a new dress but I need to buy groceries.

I want another child but I need to respect my husband’s decision.

Those first three seem reasonable, don’t they? They are about responsibility: being an adult and making wise choices for our family. I have the opportunity to actively make choices: get up, go to work, buy groceries.

So why does this last one rub some people the wrong way?

When I make a choice to sacrifice my desires regarding actions or spending for the benefit of our family, I am seen as responsible. But often it seems that when I, as a wife, choose to prayerfully submit to my husband’s desires, red flags go up.

I’m afraid that assumptions are being made: that my husband is seen as domineering, not respecting me, or “putting his foot down,” when in reality, we spent months agonizing and praying over this decision.

Our pastor challenged my husband to open his heart to another child and challenged me to find peace with our current family. He opened my husband’s eyes to my youth and desire to be a mother; he opened my eyes to my husband’s age and desire to be an empty-nester.

No ultimatums were given; no timeline was set. We talked until there was nothing left unsaid and prayed until one of us felt at peace with the other’s desire.

It just so happened that that person was me.

My husband wants his wife to have the desires of her heart but needs to be done having children. I want children to love and want my husband to be at peace.

As it turned out, I was the one who could do both.

Bite Me

From NaBloPoMo Writing Prompts, November 2, 2011:
“If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?”

We are a food family. Sitting down for a meal gets us talking about ingredients and cooking methods and past meals until long after the current meal has been consumed. So this prompt poses great difficulty. Are we talking a full, four to five course meal? Or a single plate/bowl meal? Gourmet or comfort food? Homemade or restaurant?

Let’s consider the options:

Single Bowl, Homemade, Comfort Food: My mom’s chicken curry casserole with green beans over sticky rice.

Single Plate, Homemade, Comfort Food: Mom’s meatloaf, Dad’s smashed cauliflower, roasted or grilled asparagus.

Courses Meal, Homemade, Gourmet: Cheese, Salami, and Artichoke Platter with a bright chardonnay; Dad’s Asparagus and Brie Soup; Dad’s Beef Short Ribs with a mild merlot; Mom’s Crème Brule with Caribou “Morning Blend” Coffee.

Single Plate, Restaurant, Comfort Food: Four Rivers BBQ in Winter Park/Winter Garden, Florida. Pulled pork, baked cheese grits, cinnamon apples, coleslaw.

Courses, Restaurant, Comfort Food: San Jose’s in Orlando, Florida. Chips with queso blanco and guacamole, chicken fajitas with flour tortillas, Mexican brownie with ice cream and keep the sangria coming.

Single Bowl, Restaurant, Gourmet: Roaring Fork in Austin, Texas. The biggest bowl of Verde Mac-n-Cheese available.

Courses, Restaurant, Gourmet: Take me to Victoria & Albert’s at Disney's Grand Floridian Hotel. Put me in the chef’s hands, no seafood please, with wine pairings. I will die happy.

And don’t forget the malasadas from Leonard's Bakery or the ice cream mochi from Bubbies. Plzkthx.

Progress

Have you noticed that I flip back and forth from being fine to being, well, not fine?

Yeah, me too.

There are moments when the desire for another child is so strong that I cannot think of anything else. There are other times when I have complete peace and having a baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

Life Hormones are funny that way.

My thoughts experienced a significant shift last week when my husband commented that our debts would be paid off within the next four years. Our financial situation was a factor when considering his vasectomy but I balked at the thought of TTC once we are paid out.

If we conceived right away, birth would see my oldest stepson at 19, SSA at 17, and Little K at 10. I have no desire to go back to the beginning when Little K is that old; the age difference would make the sibling relationship I want her to have difficult, if not impossible. Plus, I would be 35, R would be 50, and we would be close to the empty nest he dreams about.

I remember that SSA was 10 when I first brought up the idea of having another child. All of a sudden, I can see things through R’s eyes and better understand where he is coming from.

God is working on me a little each day, allowing me to slowly release these longings and trust Him with our family.

I am so very thankful.

Wisdom from Little K

Last night, I asked Little K what she thought about the idea of her Mommy keeping another Mommy's baby in her tummy until it was grown up enough to go home. After thinking for a minute, Little K replied:

"I would be sad that the baby didn't get to come home with us but I would be happy that we helped the other Mommy."

I think that sums it up nicely. We have decided to allow the center to share my profile with the intended parents. Sharing my profile does not gaurantee that they will want to move forward with us; nothing is set in stone until a contract is signed. I believe that, on our end, clarity will come with meeting the intended parents and large amounts of prayer afterward.

We are releasing this to God's hands. If we are supposed to move forward, He will make it clear.

If these IPs do not choose us, I will be taking my profile off the list. I do not want to be faced with this decision again.

Gestational Carrier

(Full disclosure: this post was not edited by Becomingbrina.)

I was contacted by another department from my center today. In early January, before my baby hunger kicked into high gear, I completed my application to be a gestational carrier through my center. My husband and I passed the psych screening, and my profile was placed in the pool for viewing by intended parents.

Two sets of intended parents are searching for a carrier and the coordinator wanted to make sure I was still on board before releasing my profile to them. I have to admit, my response was stunned silence. I decided to have my profile taken down a few weeks ago but hadn't contacted the coordinator yet to do so. Considering my struggle with SIF over the past six months, I am not sure what to tell her.

The number one concern is my emotional well-being during and after the pregnancy. Will my desire for another child make this experience unmanageable, painful, or damaging. I experienced mild postpartum depression after Little K was born and R is concerned about my reaction after birth when we don't get a take-home baby.

Other concerns are for our family. Little K is young enough that she could be hurt by the experience of having her mother out of commission if I am put on bed rest and may not understand why we cannot keep the baby. There is also SSA to consider; he is just turning 13 and questions about the situation may be embarrassing for him.

In all honesty, there is also the superficial side of me that is not sure if I want to test the resiliency of my thirty year old body.

I told the coordinator that I would call her with an answer tomorrow. I do not want to give these IPs hope and then pull out at the last minute. Prayers for clarity, honesty, and peace would be very welcome.