How I Spent My Weekend

When she woke up Saturday morning, Little K wanted to play baby dolls. She asked me to get my porcelain doll and bouncer down from the top of the closet along with her doll, mini moses basket and stroller. (For context, the porcelain doll was given to my around my 10th birthday: she is very lifelike in size, weight, and features. I had named her Goldie.) After an hour of play, Little K was lounging on the big couch with her doll and a fake bottle watching cartoons. And I was on the loveseat with the porcelain baby.

I know I looked silly. I know it seems strange. I know it may be completely nuts - but I owned that moment.

I cuddled Goldie like a real baby. I changed it into Little K’s smallest newborn nightgown and put her knitted hospital cap on its head. I asked R to hold her for a moment, so I could see how he looked with a baby in his arms. I laid on the couch for a while with her “asleep” on my chest.

R and I poured a cup of coffee and looked at baby gear online. He talked about how cute babies are (I had no idea he thought that!) and how this time he would have witnesses to him making a fool of himself with babytalk. We talked about how we would reconfigure the house in order to make an extra bedroom and still keep his office.

I spent my weekend mourning.

R has been wonderful, joining me in these conversations and feelings. Somehow he knows that I need to experience these moments in order to let them go. We have children in our lives, but we didn’t experience pregnancy or babyhood together; this weekend gave me a few of the moments I missed with him.

I already know it didn’t work, and I am mostly okay with that. I’ve decided not to test tomorrow -instead, I will wait to test Saturday morning. My plan is to stay PUPO as long as possible but prepare myself for drinks and soft cheese Saturday night.

Shh!

You want to know a secret? I really hope it worked. Shocking, I know!

Today I began crafting a post to put up when my period arrives in eight days. A post to say goodbye to my child. A post to say goodbye to the family I have wished for. I told the child about its sister, father, brothers, and grandparents… All of the people who would have known and loved it. I started trying to accept that the symptoms are all in my head and that it is truly time to say goodbye. That the one was from unclean lab equipment and not from R.

But I hope I don’t have to post it. Instead of a goodbye, I want to post a hello. I want to post a SWEET HOLY MOTHER IT WORKED. I want to post a “child how I have longed for you.” A “how I can’t wait to meet you.” A “how our world will never be the same.” A “welcome to our family.”

I want it to work.

Gift

R gave me a wonderful gift last night: he willingly had a conversation about the maybe baby.

We discussed names, talked about how we would arrange our room to accommodate a changing table and bassinet, what each of us considered essential baby gear… It was absolutely wonderful. He even asked if I would make him a shirt that said “Ask Me about My Vasectomy” to wear in the delivery room. Heh.

I know that the chances are beyond slim but it did make me feel good to have a fun conversation about it working. I have been able to walk into today with a gentle spirit, content with how this all turns out. For today, I know that a positive would not be the end of the world for R and a negative wouldn’t be the end of the world for me.

Today, I feel positive. Not about our chances, but about us.

Today, I feel light.

**

5dpo, AM Heartburn/Nausea. More energy this morning. Last night I had a wicked wave of nausea and almost lost dinner in the shower. Yuck.