How I Spent My Weekend

When she woke up Saturday morning, Little K wanted to play baby dolls. She asked me to get my porcelain doll and bouncer down from the top of the closet along with her doll, mini moses basket and stroller. (For context, the porcelain doll was given to my around my 10th birthday: she is very lifelike in size, weight, and features. I had named her Goldie.) After an hour of play, Little K was lounging on the big couch with her doll and a fake bottle watching cartoons. And I was on the loveseat with the porcelain baby.

I know I looked silly. I know it seems strange. I know it may be completely nuts - but I owned that moment.

I cuddled Goldie like a real baby. I changed it into Little K’s smallest newborn nightgown and put her knitted hospital cap on its head. I asked R to hold her for a moment, so I could see how he looked with a baby in his arms. I laid on the couch for a while with her “asleep” on my chest.

R and I poured a cup of coffee and looked at baby gear online. He talked about how cute babies are (I had no idea he thought that!) and how this time he would have witnesses to him making a fool of himself with babytalk. We talked about how we would reconfigure the house in order to make an extra bedroom and still keep his office.

I spent my weekend mourning.

R has been wonderful, joining me in these conversations and feelings. Somehow he knows that I need to experience these moments in order to let them go. We have children in our lives, but we didn’t experience pregnancy or babyhood together; this weekend gave me a few of the moments I missed with him.

I already know it didn’t work, and I am mostly okay with that. I’ve decided not to test tomorrow -instead, I will wait to test Saturday morning. My plan is to stay PUPO as long as possible but prepare myself for drinks and soft cheese Saturday night.

Update: Again, Some More

Always drama at the spence house, huh? When faced with ALL OF MY CRAZY yesterday afternoon, R called the lab to clarify the report. Apparently, even one sperm at 30 months post-op if enough to concern the doctor who performed R’s surgery. The main comment that sticks with me is this: it is possible for one or two to get hung up in the works, which is why they do two counts post-op but at 30 months, we should be at a true zero.

I know what some of you may be thinking: dspence, ONE FREAKING SPERM is not a big deal. A healthy sample will include 20 to 150 MILLION per ml. At 1.5 to 3 ml per ejaculation, we’re looking at 299,999,999 MILLION sperm ABSENT.

And you are right. R is effectively sterile and the chances of conceiving are literally 1 in 300 MILLION. Conceiving would be an actual Act of God.

But you know what? I believe that God is real. Which means that Acts of God are real. We’ve been operating at Act of God status for the past two and a half years and dspence is OFICIALLY OVER IT.

I need to be in a place where my period being late or a bout of nausea does not immediately make me OMG PREGNANT.

And, believe me, R needs a wife who doesn’t do that, too.

Long story short (really long story, ya’ll, see: ALL OF THE CRAZY YESTERDAY AFTERNOON), the doctor has asked for a second sample to review. Drop off is 8:30 AM Friday and we will have results no later than 9:30 AM.

Please, oh please, oh please be zero. I need this to be over.