CD23, Music Monday: Partying, Parenting, Pondering

Before I forget, a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to R! I'm so blessed to have this amazing, wonderful man in my life. I love you, babe!

***

Well, the boys have left and Little K is home. I'm surprised to say that I miss them already. The house is quiet, empty of their presence, their voices in the kitchen, the smell of teenage body spray...

Part of the joy of this visit was knowing that I didn't have to parent them. I was just able to hang out with them, take them to the mall or the lake, hand over control of the music in the car, stay up late watching Archer on the couch... They are old enough to not want, and not really need, another mom. Instead, I picture myself as the cool aunt to these boys: make sure we have lots of (safe) fun and call them out on their crap when they get out of hand or vulgar. Easy!

Parenting Little K is SO much more work!

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled to have her home. Little K is the light of my life and I take a lot of joy in raising her. However, active parenting is hard work. As the mother in a broken household, I feel a lot of additional pressure to make sure that she grows up well adjusted, as well as making sure that R gets a similar experience with her that I get with the boys. I want to make sure that R and Little K get to have fun together, enjoy each other, without the additional burden of correction/discipline, you know?

Now, that's not always possible. Little K is a very smart, precocious child and needs firm boundaries, as well as immediate consequences, to make sure that she can continue to behave and speak politely. I put a great deal of effort into spending time with her, either actively or at least in the same room, so I can provide reminders, etc. right away in order to help her grow into a young lady who has healthy, respectful relationships. But, there are times when I need to trust R to enforce our house rules with Little K. The two of them have managed to develop their own unique relationship that works for them, allowing them to still have fun while remaining respectful. It's not my way of parenting her, but I'm thrilled that they have formed a relationship that is comfortable for both of them.

When I'm being really honest with myself, I get concerned about R and I parenting a child together. Up until now, I've raised Little K my way and he's raised the boys his way. The other partner is the co-pilot, you know?  If the IUI works, we are going to have some challenges...

The past week was very eye opening for me, especially when realizing how out and out tired I was by the end of the week. Little K and SSA are seven years apart and the new child would be, too. It's a hard age difference to overcome. Do we really want to do this again? Do I have it in me to raise another child?

And what about R? He turns 48 today! If we're lucky we would have another child just a month or two before he turns 49. It became clear to me this week that I'm not so young anymore either - Jurassic Park came out for the first time when I was 13, which was almost 20 years ago, and my stepsons don't know Full House or Family Matters. OMG.

Why can't I just be happy with our little life, parenting Little K together and enjoying the boys when we can...

***

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, only to say that we miss the boys, are glad Little K is home, and wonder/worry about the future.

I'm done taking the Clomid, so now we are on wait and see over here. We have another follicle scan on Friday. I'm interested to see if this has helped or not. Right now, I feel like it didn't and that we're going to have to cancel.

I'm going to be asking my coordinator about using progesterone after the IUI. Given how out of whack my hormones are (apparently, sigh), I don't want to leave anything on the table!

I know a lot of what I'm feeling today is hormonal. Even though I'm done taking the Clomid, I'll be feeling the effects for a while. Plus, if it did its job, I should have at least a couple of follicles growing and pumping out estrogen.

It's going to be a weird week.

***

The boys played a ton of music I hadn't heard over the past week, since my songs are usually show tunes, Disney music, and Norah Jones. Here's one that is sticking out for me today:

CD21, Happy Etsy Day: Minty Fresh

Better late than never, right? Today was a bright, fresh day. :-)

Simple Leaf with Mint Green Drop

Crystal Drop Earrings

Clover Necklace

Red Flower and Mint Butterfly

Mint Chocolate Chip Self Striping Sock Yarn

Mint Birds Earrings

Mint & Cottage White Frame Gallery

Rosemary Mint Soap

Vintage Flats Mint Green with Pink Poodles

Mint Mum Flower Comb

Gidget Mint Octopus Infinity Gown

 

Mint Flower Ukulele

Studded Cut Sweatshirt Top

Custom Matchbook Mints

Owl air plant pod

Nerd Herder gadget wallet

Starfish Brooch Lot

Mint Vintage Camera Instamatic iPhone Case

Vintage 1980s mint green slingback heels

Mint leather floral soft cuff bracelet

 

And the Wild Cards:

Mint Tin Pocket Guitar Amp

Paint Dipped Bamboo Chopsticks

 

mint purple Washi tape set

 

CD20: Spent

I've been step-parenting two teenage boys all week, which is a ton of fun but also super exhausting. I've been staying up late hanging out with the guys and building memories, so I haven't been sleeping more than 5 or 6 hours a night. I'm taking them on outings and visiting their grandmother while R works upstairs. Feeding them, making sure they have a good visit, straightening up after everybody, and still trying to fit in RE appointments plus, oh yeah, work...

I'm exhausted.

How lame, right? I finally get to a place where I feel like the boys and I are really connecting and I'm too tired to enjoy it!

One more afternoon, one more night, one more morning. I've promised them an apple pie tonight and french toast before they hit the road tomorrow.

And then, I will sleep until Little K comes home on Sunday.

***

On the Clomid front, I had my first experience with hot flashes last night. YUCK! So far, though, everything else is maintaining. I've got a touch of a headache forming but attribute that to the yucky weather today.

Please accept my apologies for slacking on the comments this week. These boys have turned me into a zombie!

CD19: Dosing Up on Clomid and Hope

Well, my first dose of Clomid has come and gone and I'm feeling okay so far. I took a look at the bottle I was given and it appears that I'm on 100mg daily for five days, of which four remain. No side effects so far except for a very sore neck and swollen glands under my jaw. I think I'm coming down with a cold. Ugh.

I was in shock yesterday. When I wasn't laughing at the absurdity of a girl who has donated 170+ eggs but can't seem to make one on her own, I kept repeating: 

This wasn't how I thought the morning would go...

By the time we pulled back into the driveway yesterday, I was done. I was frustrated and even a little angry - at myself, at my body, at the vasectomy... All of it. I was angry that, after everything that has gone down - all the egg donations, three years of compromising and negotiating about TTC, losing my job, the delay in cycling, having to forgo IVF, the higher cost of every appointment we've had - that here I am. Unable to ovulate on my own and taking Clomid.

WHAT. THE. HECK.

Sorry, I'm still getting over that.

Anyway.

I was so upset that I went inside, strapped on the gloves, turned up the beat, and spent 30 minutes wailing on my birthday present.

Isn't she pretty?

By the second song, my heart rate was well up. By number three, I was getting winded. And by number four, a space started to clear in my head for the Lord to begin to work. The space that told me that this wasn't the end. That reminded me of all the ways we've seen God work in our lives. That He can, will, and HAS done exceedingly abundantly more than anything we can ask or imagine.

By the end, I was hanging on the bag with my head against the canvas, breathing deeply. I can do this. We can do this. HE can do this.

I'm doing a little better today. I have a few scabs on my knuckles and an ache in my shoulders but I feel like I've passed a test. We're still moving forward and I'm working hard on regaining the peace I felt earlier in the week. In my lighter moments, I smile and remember my friend's words. It definitely feels like we're on that track right now.

Although we are still 11 days out from ovulation instead of two, we are still counting down. Four days left of Clomid, nine days until our next follicle scan. Hopefully just three-to-four weeks from welcoming a new life into our hearts and nine months from welcoming it into our family.

It's only my plans that have been interrupted, not His. How wonderful to know that I serve a Living God who doesn't hold my anger against me but, instead, uses it as a tool to draw me closer to Him.

Even in the storm, God is still so very good.

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

CD18: What Even?

I've been sitting at the computer, trying to think of a way to sum up our morning. I think the phrase "unexpected to say the least" pretty much covers it.


Having completed so many donor cycles, we thought we knew how my body would respond. I was used to producing huge numbers! My lowest retrieval was 22; most were in the mid-thirties. My last cycle resulted in an astonishing 52 eggs, of which 48 fertilized and 46 made it to blast. We know that I make awesome eggs.

What we didn't know is how a big difference the injections had been making.

Today is cycle day 18 and I have... zero. My coordinator, the same one I've had for every egg donor cycle, says that my ovaries look baseline. The same as they have looked on every CD3 scan we've ever done.

I can't believe it.

Of course, I do believe it because I was there. I watched the screen and knew before she said anything. There's nothing going on.

She said that my ovaries are presenting similarly to her patients with PCOS. (Which we know I don't have; I don't even want to go down that rabbit trail.)

The layman's explanation she gave us is that I have a ton of antral follicles - about double of what is considered normal. Which explains why we got the big numbers on the donor cycles. The problem is that, left to its own devices, my brain seems to only send enough signal to my ovaries for the "normal" amount of follicles. We're not getting enough action to cause anything to mature.

Although my temp charts are bi-phasic, it's most likely that I haven't been ovulating every month. That would definitely explain why I've never gotten a positive OPK and why my cycles are so long: my body can't seem to produce enough estrogen to get things moving.

(All of a sudden, I see what a miracle Little K is...)

So, what do we do now?

My coordinator suggested Femara or Clomid to get things going, either starting one of those now or waiting for my next period and starting between CD2-5.

In the end, R and I decided to go ahead with trying one now and seeing if this cycle can be saved. My lining is looking great at 6.8 and, honestly, we're just ready to lay this whole thing to rest.

My coordinator ended up giving us five days worth of Clomid free of charge, which I will start taking tonight, and then come back in at ten days (CD28, OMG WHAT EVEN?!) to see if anything has developed. If not, we'll cancel and try again next month.

So, what's the good news?

Well, for starters, the good news is that we're working with a clinic rather than doing the home insemination. As I told R in the car ride home, I'd much rather throw $2000 at something with the doctor than $1200 at nothing at home.

The other good news is information. It's so good to have an explanation for my long cycles. I love knowing more about my body and getting a better understanding of what's going on and why.

And, of course, the validation that doing this with the doctor is the right decision.

I am reminding myself over and over that God is in control. He knew how today would play out and He knows the end result. His ways are perfect and His plan is the one that will come to pass.

My plan was to be triggering within the next few days. He clearly has another plan in place.

***

What I would really love from you ladies is to hear about your experience with Clomid. What should I expect? I have a feeling that the next five days are going to be nuts...

CD17: TTC Tuesday

Tomorrow is our first follicle scan and I can't wait to see what's going on in there!

As I've said before, I ovulate very late and we're not doing any meds this cycle except the trigger. I love that I haven't been having to do daily injections or OPKs. I've even given up on temping! I am feeling so relaxed at this point. It's wonderful!

What's especially nice is knowing that we're doing an IUI instead of DS insemination at home. I didn't realize how much the OPKs and temps were stressing me out! I am loving relinquishing control of this cycle to our doctor. Not to mention that the embryologist will be handling thawing the vial instead of me. I was really worried that I'd end up breaking it. Just one more thing to be thankful for!

Right now, I'm just happy. Relaxed, full of peace and hope. It's so nice. I hope this continues for the next three weeks!

CD16: Testosterone Town

My house is full of men this week. My two stepsons, SSA and RJR, are visiting for Spring Break. And I'm going to surprise myself by saying we're having a great time! I don't know what it is about this visit but it's just so much fun!

The boys arrived late Friday night and we all hung out on the couches for an hour or two catching up. Saturday everyone got up early, the boys worked out with the weight bench and punching bag, then we all took a long walk to look at the new construction in the neighborhood. Bonfire, burgers, and a movie that evening. Sunday was church and lunch, then watching You.Tube videos together and Easter candy. Dinner, Archer, birthday cake.

Today, I'm taking the boys to walk around Falls Lake. Later in the week, we're all planning on going to see Olympus Has Fallen. Friday we're hoping to go visit the supposedly haunted structures at Mordecai Historical Park.

Plus, SSA and I had a open, honest conversation about our relationship and I think we're headed in the right direction for healing and rebuilding of trust.

This visit feels so real, so easy. What a wonderful relief!